The timing of healing

I've spoken before about the processing of past trauma and how long it takes to truly heal. Do we really heal? Or do we just get to a place of acceptance with the pain less present? I don't believe there are perfect answers here, as we're all different, our traumas are not the same, and how our minds work are as individual as each person. Yes, science can tell us a lot about how neural transmitters work, how trauma is stored in the body, and about techniques that have worked for many, but we're all still on these journeys alone. 

Steven King's quote from The Stand really speaks to this for me, "No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side. Or you don't."

People love to tell you how long you're allowed to process, grieve or cry. They'll give timelines and say you're taking too much time. "Just get over it!" I recently was told that tons of people have childhood trauma and I should have "risen above it" by now. Perhaps that's true.  Also, fuck you.

If you had me give a subject for every therapy session over the past 25 years, you'd definitely see themes that repeat. My father, my mother, my evangelical upbringing, atrocities that were done to me. I agree that 25 years is a long time (and many things are much older) and that there should at least be significant progress. Well there has been progress that would largely be unseen if you hadn't known me in every stage. As each year passes, the recurring themes are there but they are being looked at from different angles, I observe what choices I make because of the past and not the present, I see where limiting beliefs were created and where I can make new ones. I can talk about most of it without crying....sometimes. But the pain of the past can also be very present.

If you've ever given someone a timeline to get over something, I'd ask this, "Why? Why does it matter to you? Why do you feel you need to interject your opinion into another's healing journey?" I believe there are multiple answers here: it's uncomfortable to listen to someone say the same shit, it can be annoying and frustrating. I'd also say that for some they haven't dealt with their issues, stuffed them hard while saying they've forgiven or let it go, and your processing brings it back up for them. There are also the privileged who have never had anything all that bad happen to them and they don't get it. The suffering wasn't dished out evenly on this planet.

I won't ever give anyone a healing timeline. And if I have then please accept my apology, as I'm sure for me to say that meant you were making me uneasy with your growth and self awareness. If you need to wallow in self pity for decades then do it. We all find the strength, many times through the acceptance and kindness of others, when our minds and hearts are ready to heal. Telling someone to hurry up and let go of a pain is about as helpful as shaming someone into better health...your words make it worse.

Sit in silence when another is in pain, walk by their side, be present. Don't give advice unless it's asked for. Your opinions are unnecessary and not helpful. Accept them as a broken hot mess and watch them transform with that healing love. I hope we all come out on the other side.