I have a lifetime of priding myself on my honesty. I like to joke that my best quality is that I'm honest and my worst is that I'm really honest. But am I? How often do I smile sweetly when I want to rage on a person? How many times have I said to myself that everything is fine when I was dying inside? I stay silent to avoid conflict. I let things go that I shouldn't because I don't want to face the truth of a situation. I avoid my feelings when facing the truth would force an action I don't want. So am I honest?
I stayed in my marriage decades longer than I should because telling the truth about it would make me the bad guy. I pretended I was fine because when others would find out it about it they became a little too interested, gossipy, I felt like a soap opera they where you enjoy watching the drama. The full truth said out loud would have forced me to act. So I went numb to not have to deal with it. So am I honest?
I recently lost a friend when I got honest. The honesty was not in merely saying how I felt to this person, but also personally accepting the dysfunction in our relationship, and how my silence was a key contributor in this. Now they will tell you an entirely different story, and they are welcome to that, but in my story it all fell apart when I got honest. So am I honest?
I'm too terrified of bad karma to do anything dishonest in a monetary way; taxes, payroll, etc... But what about that yoga Groupon where I went to 1 class, they didn't mark redeemed, and now I still have the face value after it expired? What about the item from Target that was in my bag but wasn't rung up or on the receipt? What about the gift card I found on Walmart's floor on Black Friday where I didn't ask if anyone dropped it and pocketed it? So am I honest?
My father was brutally honest; heavy emphasis on the brutal. He would constantly hurt people by telling them the truth as he saw it. His favorite commentary was physical appearance; how beautiful or ugly he considered a person, if they weighed an ounce more than he deemed appropriate, race, height...everything was up for his scrutiny and judgement. I never wanted to be like him so I can't imagine making demeaning comments to another person about how they look. This means I've lied. So am I honest?
My biggest honesty issue is how honest I am with myself about my feelings: when I'm hurt, when I'm scared, when I'm angry... I smile and say, "I'm fine. Everything is fine. All fine." So am I honest?
I've felt "off" for about a year now and possibly longer. Nothing specific but just not as together as I typically am. At one point each month I'd make some new goals or a plan for organization and well being. That said, I've been driving with my wedding dress in the trunk of my car for two years, I have boxes in my closet labeled "Shit I can't handle right now", and I can't remember the last time I did exercise involving cardio. I'm off.
Saw a Facebook ad a few weeks ago (since Zuckerberg can now read minds) for a planner entitled "My Next 90 Days". It was appealing. Worksheets, Reflection Sheets, Thought Prompts, Week at a Glance and Stickers! The Radiant Raspberry color made my eyes twinkle. But then I got back to reality and reminded myself I've used a zillion planners, books and prompts, and what actually works for me is a plan with deadlines and achievable goals.
Back in my running days (and we use the word "run" in its loosest definition for what I did) in order to achieve my goal (marathon) I had to get my miles in. To get in the miles I had to get up early and split them between morning and night. Worked decently far from home so there was no room to sleep in, be off by 15 minutes or be in any way lackadaisical. Having to be highly scheduled meant that everything else in my life had to be in order. I found I was more productive at work, to do lists were accomplished in record time and I felt secure.
If I start today then this basically gets me to New Year's Eve (oh so appealing!). So what do I want in the next 90 days? When I think on this my eating disorder comes out of hiding and starts screaming about carbs and calories and deprivation. I've made so many eating plans. Fuck that noise. I used to meditate and write every morning, and that grounded me, so I'd like that to be incorporated in some way. I want something bigger though; I want to look at my choices, ideas, decisions and how I react to life. In short; I want to fully own my life...in 90 days!! (Please laugh with me...) It's a start though.
In the name of accountability, and having a plan, I'll blog about it monthly. Perhaps you'd like to join me in some way? Feel free to comment or message me privately. Encouraging others helps me immensely.
