If you know me even slightly then you know I love Star Wars. Not just a fan...I'm full on crazy for it. Star Wars is my thing. I have a lot of things that make me happy but Star Wars is special for me. I've been laughed at and made fun of for it, and admittedly I've done this to other people who are into something I don't understand, as we all have our thing that does it for us.
Rarely do we know the backstory to why people get obsessed with something. Most of us don't share why at 50 years old we want a light saber tattoo or still look to the sky at night in hopes of seeing the Millennium Falcon zoom by. The reasons may surprise you and you might even find a different understanding towards others odd things they are into.
Star Wars was the 2nd movie I'd seen in a theater (the first being Apple Dumpling Gang) and it blew my mind. We were living in Leesville, Louisiana, which was a hick town outside a military base. We didn't even get hit movies until a good year after they'd been out. Star Wars was like nothing I'd ever seen and I was mesmerized. I spent many nights looking out my 2nd story bedroom window at the night sky dreaming of Han Solo taking me out of Leesville.
My father was a raging misogynist so I wasn't allowed any Star Wars toys because "they are for boys". My brother had Star Wars sheets, action figures and even a garbage can. I was only allowed a school folder with Princess Leia on it. I cherished it and wouldn't use it for school and instead kept it pristine as it was all I had. A few years ago while at an opening night for the latest movie they gave out trading cards. I put them on my kitchen counter and few days later a friend came over, laughed, and asked what I was going to do with those. I said, "They are mine! I'm the fan! I get them!". I found I was even a little teary eyed about this.
I walked down the aisle at my wedding to the theme to Star Wars. I mist up when it comes on and the word crawl on the screen begins. This song, these movies, allow me a mental escape I rarely get. I see myself in the characters. Their fate feels important to me as if it's happening to me. If you're around me it can seem bizarre, as it's pretty opposite of the rest of my life, but it's my thing.
So when you see that person doing Harry Potter cosplay, painting their home the colors of their favorite sports team, collecting tea cups...know that this may be the one thing that gets them through a day. It may look odd to you, their exuberance may annoy you, but allow them this. We are all flying on a rock through space to our deaths. You can shut up your opinions for a second and give another their moment.
Looking back over my blog I found my post from October 2nd talking about what I'd do in my next 90 days. Before I even started to read it I thought, "Hell....I know I didn't do any of what I said I would." And that's true, as all the plans for waking up earlier, meditation, maybe even a little less wine/whine just didn't happen. One line stuck out for me though "I want something bigger though; I want to look at my choices, ideas, decisions and how I react to life. In short; I want to fully own my life."
Well it didn't go as planned; and when in life does it really go that way? But I actually did do as I wanted in a round about way. I stood up for myself in situations where I'd normally back down. I set difficult boundaries. I made painful choices when I saw the truth of the situation. I said Yes. I said No. I made mistakes but it was my life decisions. I fully owned my life.
My 90 days aren't through yet. In fact, I expect the next week to be my most painful this year. I want to hide. I want to sleep it away. I don't want to feel this. Yet it's all necessary. We try to drink, eat, drug, sex, shop and avoid what won't feel good. But do we ever actually not feel it? The pain is there even when we make attempts to buffer over it. Then if we're doing the hard work to get healthy we have to feel it all over again! Fuck. Best to feel it the first time, right? Rarely happens? True.
There may be objection to this statement (come at me therapists!) but I think not feeling is OK sometimes. It's survival. There are times I've had to say, "I fucking can't right now. Not now." Those moments when your body, mind and soul are too overloaded and to 'feel it' would crumble you. I'm still facing situations from many decades ago that I didn't have the strength to feel at the time. Do the work, push yourself, but allow a shit ton of space too.
So to finish out my 90 days I'm choosing me. It will look, feel and be as I choose. It may appear selfish. You may disagree. Either way I choose me.
One of my favorite quotes is from Ram Dass, "We are all just walking each other home." It always spoke to me of a release of religion, of basic kindness and caring, and that we're all in this together. Though I've had to ask a lot these past two years; how far do I have to walk?
I tend to be a person that put everyone else's needs and wants before my own. I compromise when I don't want to. I smile sweetly while seething inside. Hard to say how much of this is my personality or from social conditioning. It's not healthy. Ultimately I hit a breaking point, blow sky high and those around me to experience it come away dazed and confused as they never saw it coming. I don't recommend being like this.
It troubles me to no end when I know someone is sad, hurt or worse yet angry at me. Somehow my boundaries mean less than their feelings. I've had to ask myself frequently "Why don't my feelings count?", and I'm asking that of myself as I don't let them count.
Now if you've met me this all may come as a great shock to you. Upon first meeting me I've been told the following "You looked scary." "You seemed like someone that would pummel me in a back alley." "You clearly don't take any shit." I'm vocal and opinionated so it's assumed that I have boundaries like a mother fucker and would never allow an overstep. I'll about kill if I see another person being harmed yet typically hold back when it comes to my needs.
I've had multiple situations in the past few years, and some doozies recently, where people I believed to love me unconditionally left me. People I thought were my ride or die, people related by blood, people who said they'd always stand up for me. Yet they didn't stand up for me.They turned a blind eye when I was mistreated or were even part of the mistreatment. They got enraged when I had the courage to share a hard truth. They walked away from years and sometimes a lifetime.
So they decided they were walking no further with me. Maybe sometimes I chose to walk no further with them. I had to face horrible behavior I'd allowed for years. I had to face the reality of our relationship. I had to put myself first even when it hurt terribly.
It still hurts. I still panic at what happened; though some were recent and others longer ago. The thought comes, "Who is next?".
So how far do we have to walk? I suppose when respect is gone. When the pain becomes greater than the happiness. When you've cleaned your side of the street and they would rather have theirs a mess. When you fucking feel like it.
