How far do you have to walk?

One of my favorite quotes is from Ram Dass, "We are all just walking each other home."  It always spoke to me of a release of religion, of basic kindness and caring, and that we're all in this together.  Though I've had to ask a lot these past two years; how far do I have to walk? 

I tend to be a person that put everyone else's needs and wants before my own.  I compromise when I don't want to.  I smile sweetly while seething inside.  Hard to say how much of this is my personality or from social conditioning.  It's not healthy.  Ultimately I hit a breaking point, blow sky high and those around me to experience it come away dazed and confused as they never saw it coming.  I don't recommend being like this. 

It troubles me to no end when I know someone is sad, hurt or worse yet angry at me.  Somehow my boundaries mean less than their feelings.  I've had to ask myself frequently "Why don't my feelings count?", and I'm asking that of myself as I don't let them count. 

Now if you've met me this all may come as a great shock to you.  Upon first meeting me I've been told the following "You looked scary." "You seemed like someone that would pummel me in a back alley." "You clearly don't take any shit."  I'm vocal and opinionated so it's assumed that I have boundaries like a mother fucker and would never allow an overstep.  I'll about kill if I see another person being harmed yet typically hold back when it comes to my needs.

I've had multiple situations in the past few years, and some doozies recently, where people I believed to love me unconditionally left me.  People I thought were my ride or die, people related by blood, people who said they'd always stand up for me.  Yet they didn't stand up for me.They turned a blind eye when I was mistreated or were even part of the mistreatment.  They got enraged when I had the courage to share a hard truth.  They walked away from years and sometimes a lifetime.

So they decided they were walking no further with me.  Maybe sometimes I chose to walk no further with them.  I had to face horrible behavior I'd allowed for years.  I had to face the reality of our relationship.  I had to put myself first even when it hurt terribly.

It still hurts.  I still panic at what happened; though some were recent and others longer ago. The thought comes, "Who is next?".

So how far do we have to walk?  I suppose when respect is gone.  When the pain becomes greater than the happiness.  When you've cleaned your side of the street and they would rather have theirs a mess.  When you fucking feel like it.