Regrouping

I made a grand statement last year that I had a goal of turning my blog into a book and publishing by my birthday. I'm less than 4 months from my birthday and other than some random posts I am nowhere near publication level. But this time in the name of breaking old habits I'm regrouping and asking the hard questions. Why did I want to publish? Do I truly want to share my deepest fears, secrets and shame? Or would publishing make me feel special and like I did something worth talking about? Was I looking for self worth in publication?

A page I follow said this and it stopped me cold in my tracks. "Stop trying to get results to prove anything to anyone else"

One of my favorite writers, Anne Lamott, whose work gave me encouragement to write, says this about publication, "Almost every single thing you hope publication will do for you is a fantasy, a hologram, it's the eagle on your credit card that only seems to soar."

There's definitely the feeling that to be published feels like the words and work meant something. The trophy for bleeding all over the place. But taking publication off the table as the goal to achieve opens me up to say the harder things. The more I thought of the whole world being able to know the deepest parts of me that I've shared only made me close up, be vague and lose the core honesty I wanted to have. 

So why not simply write for myself and not share at all? I'm an open person, more than a little extroverted, and to be a bit TMI is part of my makeup. Sharing also takes away the shame. When I say something that shows my humanity and someone says, "thank you...no one has said it that way and I needed to know I'm not alone" it's then worth the possible embarrassment of letting everyone know my shit. 

Exposing myself helps me to feel my existence matters. It gives me space to process where I'm at, where I've been and where I'd like to go. It's my open diary to the world to say that I was here. My writing says I'm fucked up, you're fucked up and this is OK.

So I'm taking publication off of my goals list (though if a publisher reached out I would sure jump at the chance). I hate not achieving my goals. It gives me extreme anxiety. Yet in the name of creating my own rules, as this is my life, I will breathe through the discomfort and own it.

The stories we tell ourselves

A friend asked me a rather innocuous question recently and my answer was punchy, with much more emotion than was called for with this question, and I said, "well nothing works out for me". She kindly pointed out a lot that had not only worked out for me but went above my expectations. This was an old story. It got me thinking as to what other stories I tell myself that really aren't true.

"Nothing works out for me"

"No one could love me unconditionally"

"I'll always struggle"

"Something bad always happens"

"You don't get that"

"I'm not ____ enough" ___pretty, skinny, talented, funny, smart...{Side note: I find the order of these very telling as well.}

Many of these stories though true for a moment did not continue in my life yet live large in my head. Stories that I use to brace myself from possible pain of abandonment, rejection or fear. They were part of my survival and helped me for a time but now keep me locked in the past. 

To get out of a story you need a rewrite. You need a brand new story you can say and believe. Yet a brand new story feels like it involves hope and I hate to hope. A balance, or way I could wrap my head around this, seems to be not hoping or wishing, but laying out what is true for me.

"I have astounding resilience and trust that I can suck up most anything to survive."

"I'm a deeply caring person and slowly learning not everyone deserves it."

"I have a strong opinionated voice and can be fearless in speaking out when others shy away."

"I'm strong as fuck."

Possibly the hardest one I learned this year...
"I can be alone and be OK."

Telling this new story requires full ownership. I held hard to the old stories and it would take a lot of debate to challenge me to believe otherwise. That is the level of confidence I need to have in the things that I know that are true about me. 

I'm creating a new story, a new way to walk in this world, a new life

All about me

I won't say there has never been a moment only about me, I have had some nice birthdays, but as far as making a moment only about what I want, with no consideration for everyone else, well as happens with most women this has eluded me. My choices have always involved someone else, or worse yet the hope of someone else.

My ex husband wasn't into travel. I forced a few trips on him, and though he enjoyed himself it wasn't the priority for him that it was for me. I had some trips with friends and even met internet friends completely alone, but this wasn't the world travel I was looking for. I always wanted something bigger. The general Minnesota go to Florida vacation bored me.

When I divorced, nearly 4 years ago, I had a specific goal of focusing on travel and fun. I bought a condo well under what I could afford as I wanted my money to be spent on experiences. Got a few trips in and then things fell apart. Or rather my focus went off myself and my goals and onto another person. I would plan trips in my head with this illusion that they could only be perfect if I was with someone I loved, in this romantic fantasy where all the travel I previously wanted that didn't happen would now be made right. It was no longer about me.

So coming off this pandemic isolation, where travel both for business and pleasure was taken away, I longed for more. I asked myself why I was liking pictures on Facebook of where I was dying to go but wasn't taking action steps to get there. I saw how I was still lost in this make-believe world where if I could just somehow find the person of my dreams, then it all would magically happen. And nothing happened.

Recently I wanted to take a trip but it required another person (double occupancy, all inclusive resort) and I couldn't find anyone to go with me. It felt like everyone had their person, their travel partners, their plans and goals. I needed to stop feeling sorry for my sad little self and make it all about me.

For at least 20 years, though I expect longer, I've wanted to go to Greece. My wallpaper on my monitors are Santorini, Greece. When I'm not liking cat pictures I'm liking travel pages about Greece. I was interviewed for a travel and activities club and they asked where my bucket list trip was, and with zero hesitation I said Greece. Well they had a Greece trip coming up this year. The club was a decent chunk of change but it would allow me to live the out loud life that I want with my only consideration being myself. The Greece trip was an even bigger amount of money. I looked at the price, the pictures, the descriptions, my bank account, my credit cards, and had to repeatedly ask, "What do you want for your life?" 

I say quite often, and most people hate this, that I'm dying so I'm going to live now. "Don't say you're dying!" Well I am dying, so are you, but I'm OK with it. Making decisions as if I'm actively dying helps me live in the moment, helps me find joy in the little things, and spurs me to action. I joined the club but kept looking at the trip to Greece. Was my 401K big enough that I should be allowing myself this? What if something goes wrong? What if I need that money and don't have it? I'm alone and there is no one to save me.

What finally made me pull the trigger was getting test results back from the doctor. Now these weren't life or death kind of tests but I was still concerned about the results. I got the email from my doctor that new results were in. I took a deep breath, grabbed a few of my witchy crystals, told myself I was a big girl and looked. Everything was fine, and actually better than I expected. My mind screamed, "DO IT NOW!" so I did. 

This year I will travel to Greece and see the Acropolis; the Propylea, the Erechtheum, and, above all, the Parthenon. I will go to Turkey and see the Agora, the Theater, the Stadium, the Library of Celsius, the ruins of the Temple of Diana (one of the “seven Wonders of the Ancient World”). I will go to my dream city of Santorini and with my own eyes view those gorgeous blue waters I've been using for wallpaper for my monitor. I will go to Cancun for a dear friend's wedding. I will even go way the hell out of my comfort zone...so far....and go camping! 

I may be dying but it's time to live. My life is my own and it's now all about me.

Living in the Tension - Part II

I first heard the phrase "living in the tension" maybe 9 or 10 years ago. The timeframe is irrelevant but it had a profound effect on me as I see with many things in life, possibly most, there is a tension of having two things both be true, and these things can be polar opposites. I can think of few areas in my life where I don't live in the tension of good and bad, happy and sad, or simply the grey of life.

A friend messaged me this week to say her divorce was final and she was both relieved and somber. I understood that feeling well as when my divorce was ultimately finalized I felt like I was in the middle of a teeter totter and could fall to either side with either joy or grief. It was both. I opened my divorce decree during the solar eclipse in August of 2017. As I read the words I stopped breathing then composed myself and was reminded that this was my choice and I was getting what I wanted. A friend eloquently said, "it was dark for a moment but then the light shone again". There was elation that I could now move on but at the same time the sadness of the loss as you don't put in multiple decades trying to make something work and then skip happily away. I had to live in the tension.

Tomorrow is Good Friday, and though I no longer ascribe to Christian beliefs, I love the imagery of death and resurrection. When I released a toxic person from my life last year, someone I loved but whose presence was hurting me, it was also days before Good Friday. I wrote in my daily journal "the death of this relationship....be thankful for the good and release the rest". Even a year later my feelings are conflicted and in opposition. I never want him in my life again as he said some of the cruelest words ever said to me to try and destroy me, but there were these instances of delight that I want to hold onto. I live in the tension.

There is likely no greater tension of feelings for me than with my parents. Did they really do the best they could? No, they could have been less selfish and done better. Did they love me? They loved me in a twisted way that hurt more than cared. Yet for most of us no matter how horrible the damage caused, you still care about your parents and secretly hope that it would be different. One of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott, says, "Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past." This resonates. I feel the tension.