A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 20 - Your opinion isn't needed anymore

“When I was sober I wasn’t attracted to you and was looking on dating sites a lot. You don’t look good straight on, eyes too close together…your hair looks like Bozo the clown…Now I get why your ex-husband found better too.”

This was one of many demeaning texts I received from a man I spent a year with in a toxic and damaging relationship. I did nothing to provoke such a response, in fact I broke up with him in the most caring and respectful way I knew how, wishing him nothing but goodness.  But he felt the rejection and lashed back in a way he thought would destroy me. My stomach convulsed as I read the words, I felt dizzy and the tears welled up as I struggled to hold it together. He was speaking to my biggest fears, as if to say, “You know all that work you’ve been trying to do for decades to love and accept yourself? Well don’t even bother because we all see as you less than.” He sent other horrific emails but these texts were the worst. I reminded myself of a note I took in therapy “this is part of the abuse”.

I was in an abusive relationship. I can say the words now. I swore after seeing what my mother allowed and went through that there was no way it could happen to me. It happened to me. Digging deep to look at why I kept going back, what I thought I would get, and what I thought I personally was missing to need to allow this. A lot of it was me being an empathetic and caring person. I saw the good in him, shoved down the red flags, and tried to help. I hyper focused on what I loved about us and ignored the rest. Though it doesn’t seem like it, my eyes were open. I said many times to him and others that this wasn’t sustainable. Yet through drama, breakups and completely insane behavior, I kept going back for one more moment. It’s said, “Never love a man so much that you ignore the truth about him.” Yet I did…repeatedly. I also genuinely loved him. He was over the top in the beginning with compliments and praise (love bombing) and quickly figured out where my insecurities were and how to use them. I fell.

So today I rise. Do I love and accept myself? Oh fuck no. Can I let his words roll off my back? No, they have been on constant repeat since I read them. Yet I woke up today and did the work. I wrote hard thoughts, I meditated, I spoke to a friend for support and I will go on a long walk later and attempt to release some of this shit while blasting some 80’s metal. And I may not be going about my path the way you think I should but I’m walking in a way that helps me make it through a day.

Are you ready for this? He emailed last night apologizing. It appeared sincere but I can’t trust it. And there is no need to reply as there is nothing left to be said. I will rise without his apology, without a last conversation, and without the opinions of others. I will own my power, in my incredibly flawed and bad choices self, I will come out better. I will transform. (yes, I just stole of ton of Katy Perry lyrics…)

As painful as this is, I feel like it’s also a pivotal moment. How much of my entire existence has been built around what the world thinks I should do, look like and be? Sharing his words and this experience feel terrifying to me. Yet the people I admire most tell the hardest of truths. Someone else has been berated, demeaned and shamed with words they don’t want anyone to know so they need to know it wasn’t just them. Interesting that I took an online class the same day his vicious texts came through; a workshop that spoke about ‘teaching a way of being that allows us to compassionately and curiously release the trauma and integrate the emotions that live within our bodies’. I choose right now to do whatever I want, when I want and how I want. I choose to own my body without your thoughts on it. Your opinion isn’t needed anymore.