A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 16 - Digging out of a rut

I find that I keep playing with the same themes over and over...my choices, my voice, what I want, fear, immobility and the past.  Frankly I'm boring myself. So what's on the other side of all this? Supposedly the exact life I want if the past hadn't happened. Lilly Tomlin is quoted as saying, "Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past." I'm bored with forgiveness too. Though I'm getting better at it.

I've felt in a rut and it's one of my own making. Or perhaps it's a cycle of working hard, healing a little, and then needing to regress back before you are ready for the next step. I want the next step. Sometimes I feel like I have one foot hovering in mid air yet can't set it down. Like you're pulling back the arrow on the bow, and instead of releasing it you keep holding, your arm tires, you no longer want it because it now feels painful when the pain would be gone if you let the arrow fly. 

Though ruts hold you back they are comfortable and that's why we stay. You know how the rut feels, what to expect and there is perceived protection in it. You can still see those living outside of the rut, having a loud existence, seemingly carefree. I often look to the sky, especially when the moon is big and bright, and tell myself "You are a ghost driving a meat covered skeleton made from stardust riding a rock floating through space...Fear nothing!" (not my quote but can't find who made it up) 

Sounds easy and free until you consider that while floating on this rock you also need to survive on this rock. You can get hurt on this rock. You will feel suffering on this rock. And you'll also die on this rock. A lot of risk on that rock.

I believe SARK is credited with the idea of micro movements. You pick a task that will take from 5 seconds to 5 minutes and tell yourself that's all you need to do. You do this enough you'll start to see progress, and just maybe, you'll go past 5 minutes. There is a writing tip to put a post it on your computer and tell yourself you only need to write enough words to fill that post it. Small efforts that when done enough lead out of the rut. But still there's that first step...

So I gave myself this writing challenge. Yesterday I flat out blew it off knowing full well I'd regret it today. This is much more than a micro movement, I feel the pressure I gave myself, but it's also an active response to the immobility of fear. My demons are screaming that this post isn't creative enough and certainly not my best work. True. Yet my foot is closer to a step forward than it is deep in the rut.