A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 21 - Exposed

I've written about exposure before as it's a highly sensitive subject for me. I've had many instances where I let my guard down, believed I was with someone safe to be vulnerable, and later had it used against me...though typically I became a fascinating story for gossip (or the prayer chain if you're in church).

I hate people knowing my shit. I'll tell you what appears to be a lot to get you off the trail of what's really going on. Not lies, but instead I speak out about things that don't really matter to me that much, while hiding what matters most to me.

Yet on my last post I didn't shimmy over things while omitting my deepest wounds and fears. I said the words that hurt me most. I spoke out my truth while freaking as to how it would be seen and perceived. I laid it out raw and am today still barely breathing as I know it can't be taken back. But I own it and did it.

So if holding back makes me feel safe then why would I purposefully write a blog where I'm emotionally naked, exposed and up for ridicule? The easy answer is I can't hold it in anymore. I might make you uncomfortable (I'm sure uncomfortable!), or uneasy, or just being glad you aren't me. Everything in my soul (spirit, true self, etc...) is screaming that good or bad I need to own the whole of my life, and own it loudly!

I do it for the ones who are like me the most. I know I'm a lot to handle, I can overtake a room, and my energy is spacious and even suffocating, and that there are others who feel the same about themselves and need me. Walking through the fires of shame, and yelling to the broken like me that they aren't alone, is my destiny. It might not make me money, famous or anything at all. But I know if I were on my death bed at this moment I would be most proud of the times I didn't shrink, and talked about the pain, and gave those who can't speak a place to feel seen.

Back in my Christianity days I was told by two people, occasions many years apart, that they had a word from God for me and that I was going to be a speaker. At the time I thought that meant Christian speaker at some lame ass event (looking at you Women of Faith) and I hated the idea. Though I don't believe in any of that, those supposed prophecies of me still roam around my head in my daydreams. Perhaps speaker meant something else entirely and that it comes down to me personally speaking out and speaking up. 

As is the title of my blog: Raw Bleach - I'm not toning it down!