A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 19 - Surviving what you think you can't survive

I woke up today angry, annoyed, agitated with nowhere to place it. Our current surreal existence is taking it's toll. When I'm in this state of mind I find memories long forgotten coming up. Sometimes this makes me even angrier, possibly at what happened, but eventually directed back at myself for any perceived error I made. I've gotten better over the years when a memory or terrible flashback smacks me out of nowhere but that doesn't mean there isn't residual feelings.

I've survived some horrifying shit. Worst on the planet? No. Really fucking bad so much so that people gasp in horror when I tell them? Yes, and there is shame when they react in the most caring human way because it makes it real. When I tell the story I feel it in my body; all the pain, terror and agony. I have to tell myself, sometimes out loud, that it's over and I am OK. Sometimes I put an "I am safe" post it on my computer for the visual reminder.

I had something happen recently that knocked me back into PTSD, hyper vigilant, trauma mode.  I can logically observe from a distance and see why I'm feeling what I'm feeling but that doesn't stop the body's response. I'm struggling to breathe, muscles are tense and in spasms, and I'm in a watchful mode of "What will happen next?". I've done everything I know to do: meditation, writing, yoga, breathing exercises, anti anxiety medication....but I'm still deep in. 

I find when shit goes down hard I turn it all on myself, I look for my errors, and then my own shaming and berating begins. Mistakes were made.  A lot of them. And I hear the old voices of "You deserve this." coming back. 

In these moments it feels like you can't survive.

Yet I will survive. I've survived so much worse. I will be better. I will own my part. I will share my experience with someone else who is drowning in the shame of regret. I'm bigger and better than this moment and have nothing to prove to anyone.

Not that you're reading this, I still want you to know, "Fuck you. You didn't destroy me. You have no power over me."