A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 14 - Will my past follow me?

Not that I've done anything too horrendous but I do at times get concerned of my past coming back to haunt me. I think about relationships, friendships and such that I've had to walk away from and those people, in their hurt and anger, using what they know about me as retaliation. No real aspirations to fame and fortune (well actually I'm up for a little fortune...) yet what if I did achieve one of these? We've all seen how as a society we truly get off in digging up dirt on people and destroying them. I'm as guilty as anyone of reading what's said, looking at the pictures and smirking that the person is flawed.  Human. Like myself really.

I can't find the exact quote but I remember Joan Rivers saying something like no one can get to her because she'll be the first to lay out all her flaws. It's a form of self preservation. I see I do that. I'm the first to make a self deprecating joke because I'd rather hear my own words than the sting of yours. I don't take kidding around well unless I feel certain the person actually cares about me and isn't trying to intentionally hurt me. And I get hurt easily. Joking in my family felt mean. It didn't feel so much like we're all being funny with each other as ways to purposefully humiliate. I would say on the flip side that I'm careful about joking and am watchful to make sure the other person is laughing with me.

Yet is the fear really public humiliation? I've lived a long and colorful life so there are definitely stories I don't want told, pictures and videos I don't want seen, and I'm sure countless other things I've long forgotten. I think at the core is shame, for mistakes, but hurt that someone I once cared about is joyfully torturing me. 

These thoughts hang over me when I write. Though I'm trying to be raw, real and honest, I hold back. Once it's out there you can't take it back. Yet when you ask someone at the end of their life what they regret it's always what they didn't do and didn't say...it's never making mistakes but a life not fully lived. So why does your judgment matter to me? You weren't there. You aren't on my journey. And maybe someone needs to see a flawed person stand strong in who they are and the choices they've made whether right or wrong. Maybe, just maybe, that would make it all worth it.