A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 22 - Calculated Words

While I won't let my blog turn into a place where I rant and process the damage from my last relationship, I had a moment of realization and resolve yesterday that I wanted to write about. I was looking through the last texts and emails I received from him, and saw how calculated and intentional his words were. The sentences were deliberately constructed to bring me the most pain. He knew a lot about me, in the end he'd started saying "I know you better than you know yourself." to which I'd reply, "Hardly", yet him saying that didn't feel like connection, and it bothered me yet I couldn't figure out why. Looking at how my openness and vulnerability were later used to make me suffer, the "I know you..." statement really felt like "I know how to hurt you".

He started one email with "Since you weren't good enough....". He was referring to a blog post I wrote which had to do with him and was deeply painful to me. He knows my history of trauma, depression and PTSD, and made sure to construct sentences that would cut the deepest. Though it definitely hurt to have someone who once claimed to love you try to emotionally destroy you, he didn't succeed the way he wanted to. He was rambling with graphic details as to how his new woman was so much better than me and referred to her as "motivated". The word stopped me cold not because I'm unmotivated but because I'm highly motivated. If anything I had been slacking on my goals being with him. Though still painful I saw his words as completely ridiculous and his maliciousness being a reflection on who he is as a person and not me. 

Now the best (though not appropriate) way to motivate me is to tell me I can't, tell me you don't think I can do it, tell me I lack the drive. So though he won't be reading this (I begged him to read my blog, as it's important to me, and he wouldn't.), I have some calculated words to share.

I will succeed.
It will be my version of success.
It will make me happy and proud.
It will be for me.
I will not be brought down by words that intend to break me.
I am powerful and so much more than you see.
I will transform.