A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 15 - Staying Whole

This past 2-3 years has been a huge effort in being true to myself and what I want; becoming a whole person and not fragments of who others want me to be. I'm finding the more I hold my ground, not back down and say my truth, the more loss I have in life. Loss of relationships, friendships and some people I assumed would never leave me. It's difficult but it also feels that I have no choice. One of my favorite writings by Anais Nin says, "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." 

It's been painful to hold back for so long. Every time I held my tongue I felt a stabbing inside. When I'd make a choice to please everyone else, that wasn't what I truly wanted, I died a little. I think when you feel you are dying there comes a point that your soul, or whatever it is that makes you you, either gives out or rises up for a big gulp of air to keep going. And if the decision is to keep going, you can't go back to the ways that brought you suffering.

Yet am I fully living out loud? Hardly. Each time I hold true to myself I feel the risk of what might get lost. When I allow myself to believe I'm good enough, and deserve more than I've gotten, I have to allow for the possibility that something I love, or clung to, may have to be given up. It's micro movements, trying and failing, and sometimes staying silent and shoving it all down a little more.

I think a lot about how many years I have left to live and what I'll do with them. Time weighs heavily on me. By my estimate I have roughly 25 years left. I remember turning 25 and how quickly that year came. Of the top 10 regrets of the dying: I wish I lived for myself more, I wish I didn't hold back my feelings, I wish I was happier, I wish I cared less of what others think, I wish I didn't take life for granted and I wish I lived in the now. 6 of the 10 are covered in this post. I don't want to die regretful.

In finding my voice, I fear it will be too loud, and by too loud, I mean unwanted. My energy takes up a lot of space in a room even when I'm holding back. If I went full out, 100%, zero fucks given...would I be happy with what remained? Or would I regret it?