Finding my voice

If you've ever spent even the smallest amount of time with me, a few things become clear right away.  I'm loud, I'm funny and both of these will increase with each glass of wine I drink.  I've been told repeatedly, especially in work situations, that upon meeting me it was believed that I was intimidating and someone you wouldn't want to mess with.  All the people that have had that impression laugh hysterically once they got to know me and realize I'm actually a bit of a pushover.  My passion and intensity can make me appear angry and mean, when I'm really just expressing myself in big ways.  

All this said; I hate confrontation and rarely will tell someone "You hurt me" "Don't speak to me that way" "What you said isn't OK".  I have a deep fear that they will say something hurtful to me if I'm ever not agreeable and nice.  It's a form of self protection.  Now I will speak boldly and forcefully when I'm defending others.  Just not me.

I had a conversation with a friend recently, can't remember context, but she asked me "And what did he say when you told him you didn't like that?"  I howled laughing and said, "Have you forgotten who you are speaking to?  I didn't say a thing!"  The panic rises in me quickly at the thought of asking for what I need.  You could dare me to do just about anything and it would be easier for me than letting a person know how I need to be treated.

Sure I could therapy this into the next century; but do I really have that kind of time?  I'm so tired of being silent.  It's suffocating me.

Had a situation come up this week which challenged me to speak up.  An old boyfriend made an accusation that I said something and told a friend of mine.  What he said was a complete lie. Now most people would say let it go, silence is a statement, he's not worth it.  All good advice and initially I did nothing.  But it started eating at me.  I wanted to speak.  I wanted to say that what he did wasn't OK.  So I texted him today, and boldly said what he did was wrong and would not be tolerated.  I then blocked him on all social media as his response wasn't needed by me.  Had a panic attack for maybe and minute and then felt strength rising up in me.  I felt more mature, I felt in control and I felt free.  

So I spoke up for myself and the planet kept spinning.  You've been warned....I won't be taking shit any longer. 

Tori Amos Lyrics

Play "Silent All These Ye…" on Amazon Music

"Silent All These Years"

Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that

Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know
But nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me
You never shut up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these years

So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you

My scream got lost in a paper cup
Do you think there's a heaven
Where the screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough
To get us there

'Cause what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these...

Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in my head

Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
'Til finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy easy easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling

Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
And it's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you
Here take hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of yours
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
I hear my voice

And it's been here
Silent all these years
I've been here
Silent all these years