"Intermittent reinforcement is the unpredictable cycle of affection, attention, or relief mixed with cruelty, rejection, or withdrawal. Because the good moments arrive inconsistently, the brain becomes fixated on earning their return, strengthening the trauma bond."
After a 24 year relationship, 22 years of it married, and 6 years of horrific dating experiences, I'd given up on any chance of love and was mostly numb to it all. I'd gotten a girlfriend because men had been so awful and I thought I'd just try something else. She was married in an open relationship where he also had a girlfriend. We were adorable together with my pink hair and her light blue hair, but there was never an emotional connection. I quickly learned I wasn't as bisexual as I wanted to be but went along with it because I didn't know what else to do.
We met through Facebook where we had mutual friends and he'd been watching me. There was a lot in common so when he saw I was in Los Angeles, one of his favorite cities, seeing Ghost, one of his favorite bands, he decided to message me. Over the top charming but in an easy going way. I looked at his picture, and not my type, but I thought why not. We had a call the next day when I flew home and though initially were going to meet that Saturday decided we couldn't wait another second and planned a date for the next night. I don't recall the conversation, but he knew how to play it up and I bought it. Kissed me barely 15 minutes into the date and would later imply I was a slut because I'd kissed back. We made out in my car in the middle of the street and it felt wonderful and romantic. I thought driving home could this possibly be the miracle I didn't think would happen?
Our second date was two days later. We had sex and it was terribly embarrassing as I started bleeding profusely. I was mortified. Yet he said he loved me. He made some bizarre statement about how if the first time you have sex is awkward it means it's going to be a great relationship. I smiled and nodded while thinking this was weird, and yet here was finally a man that seemed to care. Went to his house the next day to hang by the pool and he said, "Should we do a life event on Facebook?" I had no idea what that even meant as I came onto there married. He said, "put that we are in a relationship". I froze. It hadn't been a week. Red flags and sirens were going off in my head yet here appeared to be someone that wanted to be with me. I wouldn't be the sad alone one anymore. The one no one wanted. The one no one would stay with. The one everyone fucked and walked away from. It was right there so I said yes. The post blew up, as I'd never done this and he noted it but didn't seem to believe my explanation.
It all became a whirlwind of things I'd never done, and it felt like a lot, but he had very firm things he felt had to be done in a relationship and I just went along with it. A joint Google calendar was created so we knew everything the other was doing. I had access to his garage and house. He brought toiletries to keep at my house. I was seeing him every day with him saying each time how he loved me. I was called beautiful and pretty lady and all the things my husband never said. I told a friend that I was scared I was being love bombed and she said, "Or maybe it's true love and he loves you!" I wanted it so desperately.
My cat had been eating my hair and chomped off a huge piece leaving me with a layer barely two inches long. We needed to cut my hair shorter, which I hated, to make it look blended and allow it to grow back. My hairdresser had been taking classes for extension and needed a model where the process would be for free and you buy the hair. I decided to do it and was so excited to have long hair again where I'd feel like I looked nice. I gushed about it for weeks. I was thrilled with the extensions and was sure he'd like me more and be even more attracted to me. He said they looked nice but I didn't get the compliments I'd hoped for. A few days later while driving after dinner he turns to me and says, "You know I like women with short hair." I gulped. I felt nauseated. I was holding back tears and stared at him. He then says incredulously, "Why are you acting this way? It's just an opinion." We'd been together 5 weeks at this point.
This was the start of the intermittent reinforcement that continued the entirety of the relationship and many times after. It wasn't not thinking before he talked. It was rather calculated and cruel. Many times I'd see a smirk on his face when I started crying after what he'd said. But then days later the compliments, the I love you's, and we are perfect for each other came back and I stuffed down the pain. I didn't see hope for anything else.
That pattern didn’t end when the relationship did. My brain still returns to every contradiction, every tender moment beside every calculated cruelty. trying to make it all add up, still trying to solve what was designed to be unsolvable. From the outside, it may look like an inability to let go; from inside a trauma bond, it is a brain still trying to resolve the confusion that created it.
