Rings are a difficult subject for me. When my ex husband proposed to me he didn't even ask me to marry him. He asked what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "an engagement ring". He wasn't making much and had bought a $99 ring. The diamond was barely a chip, likely something that fell off while cutting a big beautiful one, but the ring was dainty and cute and still more than I ever thought I'd get. I proudly showed friends and one said snarkily, "Wow! It's so big!" and everyone laughed. I held back tears and smiled. The thought of getting a huge ring, something I wanted, something to show off, was beyond what I could fathom. No special band, no sizing, this was it. I was being mocked and laughed at but I still felt like I was somebody to finally have someone that wanted to be with me. The tiny diamond fell out at a Christmas Eve church service and all my past trauma said, "of course".
We had a trip to Las Vegas planned for New Year's Eve. He again announces, "Just so you know...you won't be getting a ring. Just want to make sure you understand that." Again, had zero expectations but now this need to say this to me each time was getting to me. I even had a fantasy that he was saying it again to surprise me. That night he was not winning at his gambling, and me feeling like if he couldn't win and be happy then everything would be ruined. I started putting my own money into slot machines. More than I'd ever spent as I typically gave myself a $20 limit and I was putting hundreds in. I didn't care about me winning. I just wanted him to be happy and to have this New Year's Eve moment I wanted so desperately. I was drunk and high and by the time we got back to the room I'd crumbled to the bed sobbing "I tried....I tried so hard...". He didn't talk to me the entire flight home. No ring.
Our first and only Valentine's Day came, and things were shaky. Another statement about me not getting a ring. Then a Facebook post saying how much he loved me and was happy with me, which included terrible pictures of me. One picture was me about to have surgery with no makeup, a hairnet and mask on, and hospital gown. Here were these words I'd wanted my whole life yet I also felt I was being made fun of. I ever so carefully asked, "Hey...why did you post that picture?" after thanking him profusely for the post. He said, "Oh I just grabbed some pics." We had a ridiculous amount of pictures together. My Facebook page alone had so many pictures. It was purposeful, and I knew it, yet here were those words that I'd never heard and longed for my whole life.
Days after Valentine's Day, where the day after we had a massive fight about his ex wife, I had a big gig days later where my mentor had given me a performance challenge that was a stretch goal to say the least. And I nailed it. I came back to his place excited, happy, and proud of myself. He congratulated me and as I was going to the kitchen he says that a friend of his just got engaged and they'd been together less than we had. I said that's nice and went into the kitchen to pour a wine. I come back out and he brings up one of my best friends getting engaged. I again smile and nod, but now I'm seeing I am not giving him the response he wants. He reiterates again how they've been together less than us, and now my friend was engaged too and did I hear him say all this. I said, "What are you trying to say?" He changed subjects but my personal win was no longer part of the conversation. I didn't understand it. It felt like he was trying to hurt me and upset me. Another thing to stuff down.
One thing is for sure...I didn't get a ring.
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