The Plan

Author's note: this writing will include intense, disturbing, and possibly triggering descriptions. Please read with care and caution.

When I take a PHQ-9 (depression test) before any mental health treatment or session, there are a few questions I always give the same answer to:

Feeling bad about yourself — or that you are a failure or have let yourself or your family down - Every day.
Thoughts that you would be better off dead or of hurting yourself in some way - Every day
Secondary question: do you have a plan? - No

I admitted recently that I'd been lying about my plan and I did have one. My psychiatrist said, "Will you tell me?" I said, "Will you commit me?" She said, "Do you have intent?" Me, "No". "Then I won't commit you." I revealed I'd watched some gossip show talking about some child stars that had killed themselves. And then Dr. Drew not only explained what they did, but gave the exact drugs they used to stop their heart and breathing. My breathing stopped just hearing this. I'd always had the plan to kill myself with drugs but I never knew the perfect combination. I was worried I'd just OD, or fry my brain but still live. So now I had the two drugs to combine, and though I didn't have them, they wouldn't be too hard to get. 

TRIGGER WARNING

The plan was to fly to Mexico where you could get drugs from a pharmacy without a prescription. Get the drugs I needed (unlike Dr. Drew, I won't reveal them), take a snorkeling trip to a cenote, and then have a terribly unfortunate drowning (because you can't just do it and be selfish even though the pain is debilitating and killing you).

I know it would hurt people deeply. I know it would fully destroy my son. Fuck do I know. Yet I still wake up every day and think "How much longer?". I look in the mirror and think "How many more times do I have to see that fucking face?" I look at my life and think "You are a loser and the lowest and most pathetic person everywhere you go." 

I've said this before, but I get why you would want to live. Not saying there aren't problems and issues, but I see your good life and see why you'd be happy to keep going. I think most people look at people like me through their personal lens and make their judgements from there. But really, look at me, how would you feel to be me?