A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 13 - Immobility

I'm behind on my posts, way behind, 2 days behind. The obvious answer when I first realized this was to off course whip out a post. Yet immobility takes over. A mistake was made, everyone saw it, you are now being judged, harshly, and there is no way to recover because the time is now gone. Mark Twain said, You wouldn't worry so much about what people think of you, if you knew how seldom they do,”. True. Only had 17 views of my last post so this isn't exactly going viral! Maybe I should throw a conspiracy theory in here so ya'll will read it. Though truly, if I get really honest, it's my own opinion and not others that stops me cold.

It's really fear taking over, and on the Fight, Flight or Freeze spectrum I'm a freezer. Say something mean to a friend and I'll rip you apart. Now say it to me and watch me go full on deer in the headlights. It's taken me years to process some things people have said to me because at that moment I couldn't take it in. 

Not the only area I freeze. When I'm asked what I want I go immobile because now we're getting into hope. To state what I might want means I'm hoping for it. I made a decision, when life was at it's worst as a teenager, to stop hoping. At the time I believed in a God, and felt since this deity had taken away the rest of my hope that it was purposeful, so I needed to keep silent and pretend I didn't want or expect anything. Again, as is so often, this is a trauma response.

A friend recently talked to me about doing a 21 Day Hope meditation. I said I'm pissed off just thinking about it. But upon further discussion she pointed out that I do have hope otherwise I wouldn't have persevered where others have crumbled, I wouldn't have my tenacity, I would have stopped trying all together. I wanted to silence her, because the God I don't believe in might hear and come hurt me. Hope, faith, belief...all words that have too much pain and emotion for me. I need a new word.

I said at the end of 2018 that I was going to Have Hope for a Year. I had hope maybe half a year. Not quite. 2019 was a year of huge highs and bottoming out lows. 2020 is feeling like a throwaway year. Where's the hope?

Instead of hope I would like to focus on purpose. A meaning to life. A reason for my life. Strangely...that actually gives me some hope...