Hope for 1 Year

I was inspired today by a friend's Facebook post where she asked us to ask ourselves, "What if...?"  I've never really asked myself "What if...?" in a positive way.  All my questions have been "What if it falls apart?" "What if I fail?" "What if I die?" To consider anything else meant to hope and hope wasn't allowed for me.  Hoping meant disappointment.  Hoping was for everyone else.  

Yet today after completing a scary one year project, where I did a selfie a day on Instagram, and didn't implode, I decided to push myself a step further.  I'm going to live for 1 entire year with hope.  When I'm scared I'm going to ask myself how it can go well.  When it falls apart I'm going to look for something better around the corner.  

Please understand this isn't some cute be positive, say some affirmations and skip down the lane thing.  For me to allow myself any hope, much less for a year, is about the equivalent of saying I'm going to spontaneously grow a horn on my head.  Every cell in my body is revolting against this.  My anxiety is leaving me breathless, as it feels this will set me up for awful things to happen.  My protector self is screaming "No!  You're going to get hurt!  I may not be able to save you!"

I'm not good at a lot but I can do scary things.  I'm resilient as fuck and my tenacity has got me to the other side when no one thought I'd make it.  Although I'm already hating this before it begins I'm doing it anyway.

Now if you've known me a long time and are jumping around smugly thinking you've told me this all along, let me please say keep your fucking mouth shut.  I don't need an I told you so.  Really....just don't.  Please don't.  

Here we go....