I'm always in pain

*This post is about revealing what you might not know, but please do not take it as an opportunity to spout off ideas or solutions for me.  I know my condition well. There is absolutely nothing you are offering that I haven't tried.  While I know when suggestions are offered they are given with care and love, but at this point for me they are dismissive to the work I've put in.  Thank you.*

I'm always in pain.  Every day, all day, I'm in continual pain.  I will share with those closest to me when it hits an excruciating level but otherwise no one knows.  I want a big life, I don't want to lie down, I don't want to surrender to this, so I plow through each day doing exactly what I want to do.  Though I'm told my condition is not progressive or degenerative, I do worry the day may come when my tenacity can't override physical limitations.  

I get envious when I hear people say they feel great, talk about how phenomenal a massage was or speak to an amazing level of relaxation.  These are all things I likely will never experience again.  I'm super healthy, and typically have more energy and drive than people half my age, but I hurt.  I hurt so much.  Sometimes it gets overwhelming and I curl in a ball and cry.  Yet I won't let you know.  I will smile, make jokes, dance around the room singing and never let on to the agony I'm experiencing.

I do have a combination of things that brings me brief moments of relief.  So brief.  But neither of these things are possible to do or use for most of my waking hours.  I have roughly an hour and a half each night where the pain isn't gone but it's semi-manageable. I've dealt with this nearly 30 years so I'm grateful that have even these short amounts of time to take full breaths.  But 30 fucking years is a long time to be in agony.  

In yoga theory, and other schools of thought, believe trauma is held in the body.  While I look at this and all things with a skeptic's eye, it makes sense.  I've experienced many forms of severe trauma.  Though I have a diagnosis for my condition the bottom line statement from the doctor (after a full body MRI) was "we don't see anything, we can't help you".  When he told me this I was limping from the pain.  So the body holding trauma, and specifically to my situation makes sense.  There is a book from Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk called, "The Body Keeps the Score" where he is showing with real data that this is true.  I bought the book 5 years ago and haven't read a page.  Releasing stored trauma can't be easy.  I'm scared.

While I'm trying hard not to make this a whining feel sorry for me post, I'll admit I'm using this moment to talk about my reality.  And yeah, I do feel sorry for myself sometimes, while of course knowing I have it great compared to others (have to show gratitude otherwise something worse will happen, right?).  I'll survive.  I always make it.  But what I wouldn't give for a pain free body for a day...