A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 29 - Alone

I was almost at the end of my 30 days of writing and then the world fell apart. What can I even write at this moment that wouldn't be completely tone deaf? My voice is not appropriate at this time in history. I've learned a lot in the past days about my own ignorance, blindness and privilege. I'm listening and I'm learning.

So in an effort to alleviate some anxiety, and get this shit out, I'm going to talk about my own tiny experience and feelings as we all hurl on this rock through space. We're all overwhelmed, in shock, and feeling pretty helpless in all of this. Sadly, and boo hoo hoo for little me, the biggest thing I'm feeling is alone. I have amazing friends checking in on me, as they know I'm not good at self care, and will take on the entire pain of the world myself. My company is unbelievable in their care and concern for their employees; I actually feel loved....ever say that about a company? I'm super privileged working from home, no loss of income and comfortable. But I'm alone.

I've talked about being alone, and it has many wonderful things and many awful, but it's different now. I feel like the world is fracturing and burning up and I want someone to say they will stand next to me and won't leave. I'm looking out my windows each night, by myself,  for the evil that could come to shatter me. It reminds me of school when they'd say to "buddy up" and everyone had their person so I was standing by myself. People care about me, I've had support and offers of assistance from so many, but it doesn't stop the pain of being alone.

Speaking in full honesty I have to flip this though, because I've had friends and family tell me I had shelter, a safe place, anytime time I need. I've declined. Now my biggest excuse, though very real, is I don't want to traumatize my cat. Laugh if you will but his foster mommy said she feels he has PTSD from being left behind as a kitten, and it's been over a year of me nurturing and loving for him to feel safe. I have PTSD, I know what it's like to not feel safe, and my kitty is a living being who I don't want to feel harm. Yet am I choosing this valid excuse over both mine and my cat's possible survival? This isn't all of the story.

I've prided myself my entire life on being self sufficient. I held this over my parents' head that I've been on my own since I was 16 and no one has helped me. My stepmother even said once, "You never asked for help. You wouldn't let anyone help you." True. I will do anything, and I do mean anything, not to have to ask for help even if I need it. If I'm forced to ask for help I want to pay for it....money, exchange of something, but there had better be a way that in the end I don't owe anything. I love to help others, think nothing of it, yet get physically ill at having to be helped. 

This all speaks to actually wanting to be alone. I don't. Yet here I am. Survival is what I do best. I'm sure you're reading through what I think is my hard exterior. I hear sirens in the distance. I have it great compared to so many. Need to wipe my tears and get back to enduring what is next. I'm fine. We're all allowed a moment of self pity, right?