Happiness & Anxiety

I had a brief moment this morning where I took a breath, thought about upcoming events in my future and felt happy. I took a deep breath and felt almost OK, less snarky and ready to punch someone. It faded quickly as my anxiety screamed, "You're missing something! What have you forgotten?!?", because my anxiety is my "protector self" and feels I'll surely perish if I'm not 24/7 on top of everything. On a similar note, I allowed myself multiple naps yesterday...I was pretty much a cat! This is something I never do as I'm worried I'll screw up my already difficult sleeping patterns and it also feels lazy. Lazy is scary because nothing is getting done and my life is passing me by. But I'll admit it felt good and I clearly needed it as I still fell asleep for the night without an issue. Sitting with the fears that come up that I "wasted a day".

Along with my anxiety trying to get in the way of all of life, I have fears that whatever governs the universe doesn't want me happy and will hurt me if it sees I'm happy. I know that this is deep trauma from my Evangelical upbringing where I was taught of a God that "cares about your holiness and not your happiness". This fear was compounded when prayers were never answered and shit progressively got worse and worse. I've avoided being too joyful about anything for fear it would be taken away. So even now while not truly believing in a God (though I claim to be atheist my friends will say I'm a shitty one as a true atheist wouldn't be so pissed off at a God they don't believe in) I still hold the fears tightly.

My anxiety and fears tell me that I should never get too happy about anything and along with this distorted thinking comes a word I really hate...hope. I'll allow myself hope for little things - hope I get a good parking spot, hope I don't chip my new manicure, hope the weather doesn't rain on my parade. But hope, even faith, for my deepest desires and dreams? Now that is much too scary to acknowledge. I have faith in my own resilience, my tenacity and my drive, but hoping feels like an astronomical disappointment waiting to happen. 

Yet in what seems like a complete contradiction, I can do hard things. I can step up and do things afraid. I can plow through. But true happiness, breathing easy, smiling and feeling the moment can be elusive. Or even impossible except for fleeting glimpses that quickly fade away. I don't lack in courage but the next step of allowing joy stops me in my tracks.

I had a moment of happiness this morning and I'm going to take my next breath and allow myself to remember it....and maybe even a second more than is comfortable...