Living in the Tension

Sometime in the last 10 years I heard someone explain that feeling where you love someone and hate them, where there are great memories and horrible ones, where there is both good and bad, as "living in the tension". Though we typically force ourselves to lean hard to one side or the other, in all reality there can be many conflicting feelings towards to a person in our lives or our past. This tension can be overwhelming when trying to process what happened with this person and allowing ourselves to feel both the happiness they brought as well as the sorrow.

My first big experience with these feelings was upon finding out that some of my childhood abusers were my relatives. They were the people I liked the most and the ones that made me feel loved and special. I had fun with them, there were wonderful memories, but there was also the abuse. Once I found out what happened to me (well some of it) I felt I needed to hate them. Yet the things I loved were still there. Adding to the difficulty was that these people were who I felt were my biggest supporters; so if I don't have them then I felt I had no one.

I want to be careful here and in no way imply that you should stay with an abuser and "live in the tension". Hard no. If you're being abused by anyone, anywhere, then get out! Once out, you can then process what happened in safety and give yourself the space to feel the good and the bad. Get to safety, get healthy, hold your boundaries and then take a hard look at what went on.

It's interesting to me that for some memories, such as with my ex-husband, I can decently live in the tension of all the memories without getting overly upset or emotional either way. So I'd like to believe at least in this instance that I'm in a healthy place. Yet for others I feel massive conflict when I allow myself a positive memory. I might smile at a thought and then my mind starts screaming "But look at what else they did!!". 

In Buddhism they believe the root of suffering is attachment. So these are moments where I attempt to remember but practice non-attachment. I can remember and feel all the moments of my life without attaching to them, as they don't determine my worth or the journey I'm navigating for myself.