Releasing the need to control

If you've known me for any length of time you'd know that motorcycles terrify me. When I was a child I saw the aftermath of an accident between a semi and 4 motorcycles, blood soaked sheets on top of bodies still burned in my memory, so my worry was instilled early on. But since the universe loves to mess with me when I make "I'll never do that!" statements, I've been a passenger on motorcycle rides recently.

The first thing you learn when being a passenger is you aren't in control. Loss of control may possibly be my biggest trigger. If I could control the sun's rising I would. I'm always on high alert for where I'm lacking in control and figuring out what I can take back. Along with the gaining of control, I'm looking at all possible outcomes and what they would mean to my life...my survival. This is a large part of why I developed an eating disorder as my world felt out of control and eating was the one thing I could control.

Now logically you can point out to me all that I don't control: other people, weather, the earth's rotation. But I still try. I will many times tell myself to back off and stop trying to control the outcome, even the outcome for others own actions. New mantras I've created for myself in this area are, "That's not your responsibility." "Stop taking over." "Let go of what you can't do." "Your interference is stopping them from experiencing the consequences they need for their own growth."

Back on the motorcycle. As we started out I found my lower back tensing and the lumber spine arching painfully away from the seat, as I played over horror scenarios of all the bad things that could happen. Curves are especially difficult as I have to completely make my body give into them. I gripped tighter, closed my eyes, and willed myself to not give into the increasing anxiety. At one point I had to say, "You wanted to do this and the only way back to perceived safety is to finish it.".

On the way back it was dark, a crescent moon glowing with wispy clouds around it, stars sparkling in the night sky. I would ease into an enjoyable moment only to seconds later have a fear come over me. Being my ultra dramatic self I even told myself, "Yes, this could be the end....be here and love the hell out of your last moments." The good moments did come as I willed myself to lean back, to be happy, to feel fully alive. 

I lived. I allowed myself the excitement of riding fast, wind rushing by and not a care in the world. The fears may always be present. I've decided that instead of fighting them it may be better to acknowledge their place while also not giving in to spiraling downward with them. This is a new realization I've come to is that healing for me will likely not look the same as it is for you. My healing may mean making accommodations for what upsets me and still moving forward. 

As with most things in life, I can't wrap this up neatly and tie it with a pretty bow. My life is more like a used gift where the tissue papers inside it are torn, and you're using it as a lunch bag instead of throwing it all away and buying a new one. I can't buy a new one and that may be the biggest area of control I need to release.