Ruminating

I ruminate over past experiences, and most specifically mean and rude things said to me, at an obsessive level. I will pick out one sentence, sometimes only a single word, and it will play on repeat in my head. In therapy I'm being encouraged to challenge what was said and whose voice it really is. I find frequently that though someone else said something to purposefully hurt me, the voice saying it and agreeing is my own. 

A therapy technique I learned years ago when thoughts are incessant is to out loud say, "STOP!". It works, sometimes, when I think to do it. Another way is to notice 5 things pertaining to the senses: what can I see, what can I smell, what can I touch, what can I hear, what can I taste? This can dissipate the thoughts momentarily. 

Yet I think the truth of why they come back and I ruminate on them is that I enjoy it. Not enjoy in the pleasurable sense, but enjoy in that it's comfortable to me. What would I be thinking about if not something terrible that was said to me, a horrible thought I think of myself, or some combo of the two? 

I feel there is some sort of self preservation here. As long as I know every way you'll try to cut me, I can get ahead of it and hate it first, that way when you say it there won't be shock value and I can agree and move along. Self limiting beliefs that I somehow feel help me survive.

I'm working with a Sex Witch as a life coach. (Oh are you now interested?! LOL!) We've been talking about self limiting beliefs, how mine were formed, what aren't true and how to get to the other side. Being the reigning queen of self help books, programs and efforts, I'm always trying to get to the other side. I mean really...how the fuck do people have such confidence? Did their parents tell them they could be anything? Was this naturally ingrained into them without any external cheering on? How?! 

I expect for me this won't be some instantaneous moment of self love, but a lifetime journey. I know I'm not alone on this path, though I can only walk my own way and for myself. If I could only root for everyone else, as I really do see the greatness in each of you, then this would be easy.

Back to those ruminating thoughts; they aren't mine. Maybe that's a good place to start. Just because some mother fuckers were out to destroy what little self esteem I have, doesn't make their statements true. (deep exhale) I'm reminded of what I said to my rapist, who I stayed with, as I was leaving for good. He said, "You're the ugliest, fattest bitch I've ever seen and no one would want you! You were lucky to have me!" I replied, "Maybe that's all true. But being alone is still better than being with you." Even if all the cruel things said to me are true; I'm still more than enough, I'm fine alone and none of you fuckers will break me.