A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 28 - So much fear

My therapist asked yesterday, "If the fear wasn't there; what decisions would I make?" Obviously this can be taken a lot of ways and from many angles. If there wasn't fear would I remain in this state? If I wasn't scared what would I say that I hold back? What choices have I made that were fear based? What actions have I not taken because I was scared?

I would also challenge this as many decisions which could be based in fear (of survival) are also about being logical. I'd love to sell everything I own and live on a Caribbean beach, but I'm much too cognizant of being in charge of my own existence and thinking about how daily choices decide your future. There are so many daily choices, such as avoiding conflict rather than saying how you feel, that are fear based but not healthy in the end. As with all things there is a balance.

Taking it out of the life or death realm; what scary decisions am I avoiding? Avoiding conflict is a big one for me. Though I appear to be this bitch that will say anything to anyone, if I care about the person and their opinion of me, then I will allow myself to be hurt by them, refuse to have hard conversations and keep a happy smile at all times. Always nervous about "being in trouble" even though I don't have any history of getting in trouble. If you've read this blog for even a short amount of time, you'll see I say the same things over and over. I'm bored with it too. 

I think I need to look at my core fears and see how they guide my decisions:
Fear of always being alone.
Fear of my son not thriving and surviving.
Fear of health conditions where I'd need help.
Fear of anyone being mad at me.
Fear of speaking out when I'm hurt, as I fear I will get hurt worse to say it.
Fear of failure.
Fear of success.
Fear of my flaws being highlighted, mocked and ridiculed.
Fear of not being believed.
Fear of reactions to my speaking about my past, my truth and my beliefs.
Fear of the unknown. Isn't this really the biggest one? Those crazy ass scenarios we dream up in the middle of the night, and later internalize believing they can actually happen.

So much fear. Yet even in the terror and anxiety, I can say with my head held high that I absolutely do something that scares me every day. I push myself, I try things I will likely fail at, I take deep breaths and plow forward. I'm reprogramming my brain through daily efforts, no matter how small.

I am good enough, I'm owning my power and I will survive.