A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 25 - Being Alone

I didn't want to write about this subject. I found myself going over my thoughts on various ideas and yet thinking about how I was alone kept coming back. So yeah....I'm all alone. Sure I have friends and family, and a great kitty to keep me company, but I'm alone. It's funny how those in happy relationships are usually the first to give advice on being alone...while they aren't alone in the slightest. There are also cliche stories here in that "once you are used to being alone then the perfect person will come". Really? Because no one dies alone? It's a formula and once you complete the steps then you get all the love you always wanted? Yes, feel my annoyance and eye rolling at these statements, because they are a fairy tale.

I do like a lot about being alone. I love being able to decorate my place in any way I want with zero consideration to anyone's opinions. It took me nearly three years to get to a place where all my decisions as to how I use my space are entirely about me. I love having my own money and not having dependence on anyone. I love that my schedule is my own to do anything I want at will. I don't actually want anyone living with me right now.

Yet being alone, especially right now with little to no social interaction, is hard. Sure I do video calls, have web calls for work, text, Facebook, etc... but it's not the same as being face to face with another human. 

It's also difficult when I see others who have gone through divorce as I have and, what appears to be effortlessly, found their damn soul mate (side note: I don't believe in soul mates). I find I put a ton of shame and blame on myself asking "What the fuck did I do wrong that I can't find this?!" Well I know exactly what I did wrong. I can detail out every single bad decision, choice and action. Yet how do I find the healthy, empowering, loving relationship that I want? No fucking clue. Perhaps I should believe in fairy tales.

Here's the really hard questions to face...What if I'm simply alone forever? What if this fantasy person I have in my head doesn't exist? What if I need to face that I will always be alone? This is real shit and it could happen. None of us get guarantees. I used to say the happy love-filled life was for some people...And then there's the rest of us (this was also going to be my autobiography title).

I've also been told the reason I don't get this is actually because I don't believe it's possible. (I'm looking at you Positive Affirmations, The Secret, Manifestations...people!) It's interesting that this was the same thing told to me in the church when I expressed doubt....my fault for lacking faith. 

So the possibility of never having that romantic love I so desperately want; a love where I'm believed in, cheered on, and fully accepted may never happen. I can still hold my head high and say I loved big, I did the best I could and I gave my all. No matter how much the other person tried to hurt me, I can say I didn't retaliate back. My side of the street is clean. While still holding out a little hope and also facing with acceptance that the fantasy may never come true.

I have this picture on my refrigerator. I put it there after moving into my own place and going through a divorce. It reminds me to still honor my efforts, to feel it all, to enjoy the wonderful moments while knowing I can still be hurt again. I'll be OK no matter what.