Processing

I was having a conversation with a friend recently who is working through some hard shit she learned about her past (with her permission: she's adopted and learned she's the product of a rape).  A lot to take in for anyone.  She said, "I feel like I'll never be done processing."  I felt those words.  I can't recall a time in my life I wasn't processing something that happened to me, or if I wasn't then I was stuffing down the pain in some unhealthy way.  

I do feel processing is a necessary part of being a healthy human.  All the people I've met who haven't processed their trauma, "I just don't think about it.  I'm fine." are most certainly not fine and they throw up their inner demons on the rest of us.  But how long does this go on?  For some of us will it never be over?

A friend recently posted this pic that says, "When you can tell your story, and it doesn't make you cry, that's when you know you've healed."  I agree as there are terrible stories of my past I can finally tell without crying.  I still have feelings towards what happened, I'm not numb, but my emotions are in check in a calm manner.  I had a therapist say it a different way, "When you can tell your story the same way you'd talk about the weather then you know you're healed."  

There has been another saying going around that didn't quite sit well with me.  "Trauma is not your fault but healing is your responsibility."  I would carefully say this...Trauma is not your fault. Period. Yes, healing is available and offers hope and freedom. But too often the "your responsibility" part carries unsaid timelines and expectations. Healing comes in waves; you can forgive, go to therapy, do the work and find yourself 5, 10, 15 years later being hit with the trauma from another angle. Though it may appear someone is going on and on about the same tired subject....it's not the same and a new level of processing begins. Ram Dass said, "We are all just walking each other home." And many times that is what is needed more than anything...someone to walk by your side saying, "take all the time you need".

So for those of us doing the work perhaps it's a lifetime of processing.  While understanding the pain and sadness of the past will likely lurk back, I'm learning to have happiness in today.