I struggle with Christians

I struggle with Christians. Full truth is I despise most Christians. Yes, I said it. Now before you get your pretty feathers too ruffled let me explain myself. There are some amazing Christians out there truly doing the Lord's work such as John Pavlovitz, Matthew Paul Turner and Jamie Wright. These people fight for the marginalized, love others and actually follow the example of Jesus. I respect these people, admire their faith and seek to be like them in their actions and words.

Then there's the rest of you. I've watched you my entire life as I grew up in the church. You preached love and shunned your neighbor. You spoke of acceptance and used the church prayer line to get off on gossip. You are currently watching people die and following one of the most evil men ever lived. Or possibly worse, you are ambivalent about what's happening politically as you don't think it affects your privileged white ass. You scream "All lives matter" and base your entire vote on being "Pro-Life" yet shrug your shoulders at the children currently being held in cages when their parents were only seeking asylum and a better life. You cherry pick the verses that pretty much only relate to shit being great for you (taking Jeremiah 29:11 out of context, anyone?), give when convenient and live in a self obsessed little bubble of your God blessing the shit out of you.

I've been vocal in the past few years (though it's actually been much longer) that I no longer profess to be a Christian and am devoutly Agnostic. Is there a God? I don't know and neither do you. Go ahead and believe it but you don't have proof, nor do I have proof there isn't. I'll simply say this deity's silence was deafening to me. In self observation it's been interesting to me that I'm actually more giving, care more about others and fight harder for those that need a voice than I did while being a Christian. Because in Christianity you can just skate by and actually be completely selfish. All you have to do is say a prayer (or say you will and never do it), throw out a "God bless" now and then, maybe post a cute meme or two on Facebook, all while doing whatever the fuck you want. Big ass Jesus pic in your living room while the Beatitudes are something you live randomly when it's convenient for you. I see atheists, satanists and hedonists caring more about their fellow man than you.

Do you feel I'm judging you too harshly? We're all humans, right? Well yes I do judge you by the standards of what you claim to believe. I watch your actions and see if they line up with what you profess to have faith in. If you committed your life to Christ, because your belief is he saved you from your sins, and you said you were going to take up your cross and follow him....then why in fuck don't the rest of us see it?!? I saw this hypocrisy from childhood, spoke out on it, and was beaten down for saying it. I even prayed continually "Your people suck! I hate them! I don't know how I can be around them!". 

Again, I didn't say all Christians but I fully stand by most of you being this way. So get pissed at me. Try to slam me. Say I'm bitter (I am and don't care), and have fallen away (The day I walked away was the scariest and most freeing moment of my life.). But really....am I wrong?

This angry (livid actually) self is not what I wish to be. I look to Buddhist teachings of non-attachment and non-reactivity which do sound lovely and much calmer than my current existence. Yet who I am at the core of my being is someone who speaks out when she sees wrong. It leaves me at a crossroads many times but I can no longer stay silent. I wish you peace yet your actions, or lack of, astonish me.

I'll end this with the words I live by:
"Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu ~ May all beings everywhere be happy and free, and may the thoughts, words and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and freedom for all."