Writing about what hurts

Hemmingway said, "Write long and hard about what hurts." While writing about my suffering I see where fear invades and I barely scratch the surface. The writers I admire the most speak about things that have shocked me, touched me and showed their humanity in the most vulnerable of ways. 

Yet in this day and age what you say is forever. There is no turning back. And people love to destroy you more than they cheer you on. What will it do to me if I say it? So how much do I risk? I want to risk it all. I want to dive into the fire and see what comes out on the other side once the smoke clears. But truly...I know some shit won't go down well. I know some things will not be taken in the context I present it. I worry if I'm published that it could potentially damage my company's reputation and possibly result in firing me. 

I can't walk away though. At the core of my being for as long as I can remember, back to childhood, I've felt I need to write brutal blunt truth. I can't find the exact quote but I remember comedienne Joan Rivers talking about ripping on herself before others did so they couldn't hurt her. I feel that. I do that. So the question comes can I take the ridicule, scrutiny, judgment and trolling. 

I worry about potential romantic relationships. I don't know that there is a man that could ever fully accept me, much less my past, or even worse me sharing all my shit. But I suppose they are not for me. Maybe no one is for me. I need to own my truth and let the weak fall away.

My mother even said to me years ago, "You need to write about what happened." I said, "It won't make you look good." She said, "I know. Write it." I was pondering different topics to explore, even confess, and my thoughts invariably went to not only the opinions of others but how revealing of myself might affect my son. I called him and asked if he read my blog, he said, "not really", so I said I was concerned about writing about things that might upset him. He said, "Write about anything you want." 

I stand at a crossroads. I've pushed this off, shoved it down, self medicated and ignored. But the time is now. This is it. It's time to leap into the fire, to burn and feel all the pain, and see who emerges.