A New Focus

When I write a blog post, though it's about me and for me, I'm also highly aware that someone else needs to hear it as well. I say hard things, and talk about my greatest pain, because I know the healing of someone else understanding what you went through. And though it's not easy and I feel like I've been skinned alive most times, I also feel something in all of this is my "calling". I was driving recently and had some subjects come up to write about and the more logical side of my head screamed, "You can't say that! Yes, it's true but to reveal that much could potentially ruin your life!" 

But what if it saves it?

I woke up at the first of this month with new resolve and drive. Looking back I see how my focus has really been off since my divorce. But I'm still standing, 3 years in, and better than ever. I had a lot that could have broken me, perhaps did for hot second, but I'm closer than ever to the other side. I've seen what took me down, what I allowed and where I let way too many other opinions dictate what I will accept. My new focus, maybe for the first time, is entirely selfish: what I want, what I'm saying, where I'm going and who is allowed to be with me for the journey.

First and biggest goal: hard boundaries. The time of compromise is done and if you don't like where I draw the line then go elsewhere. I'm no longer explaining myself. If you don't get it, if you don't get me then please remove yourself from my vibe.

“This life is mine alone. So I have stopped asking people for directions to places they’ve never been.”

― Glennon Doyle, Untamed

Writing goals: publication by my next birthday. In addition to that I'm pushing myself to go further, write about what no one will say, and getting to a deep level of vulnerability.

Personal goal: self acceptance. I feel like these words are too vague and broad and don't get to the core of it. I want to be at a place where not only do the perceptions of others mean nothing, but the trauma of the past doesn't continue to cut me.

Family goal: I haven't spoken of it but I'm currently estranged from one of my family members. This will be a difficult repair as this is the result of me setting an incredibly firm but needed boundary. Though I have nothing to apologize for here, some words could be said to fully have my side of the street clean.

Home goal: This has been a continual work in progress as it took me a good year to make any design decisions as I was so used to having my ideas shot down. I would say to myself, out loud, "You own this place. It's only you. You are the sole decision maker. It's whatever you want." Working towards fully leaning into this and making my place exactly what I want it to be.

Thank you for joining me on my journey.