I'm a fighter

I'm a fighter but I think a better word is challenger. Though I will easily admit when wrong, and listen to facts, data and logic, when I know I'm right I don't back down. It's where my intensity can make me appear combative and aggressive. Such a contradiction in that I hate conflict, yet I also start it. 

I grew up constantly debating my father. Nearly all our battles came down to biblical interpretation, his against mine, and I don't recall a single time we came to a compromise or agreement. I had to fight to be heard as a female. I fought when I saw injustice. I battled to feel I mattered.

Awhile back my work had us take personality type tests to help our colleagues understand us and our work style. A group of my peers got together to do comparisons to each other and get rid of any misconceptions. My test came out highest for Influence with Dominance a close second. Now there were others with similar results but after comparing with all I noticed a big difference on mine: there was an asterisk and a note that said, "She will continually challenge you." Prior to the meeting I'd told myself I was going to agree even if I didn't agree just to not always be the one that isn't in line with everyone else. This was really just emotional exhaustion. Well after our comparisons there was a discussion about something, and I don't remember what it was, but everyone was smiling and nodding in agreement yet I saw a big flaw. I sipped some water, played with my hair, looked at email all while unable to focus. Eventually it overtook me and I spoke out. Someone even joked in fun that I would be the one to find this as it even said on my profile I challenge everything.

To stay silent truly hurts the core of my being. Yet there is loneliness in being looked at as an instigator and someone not to mess with under most circumstances. I'm struggling hard with where I give my energy in today's hostile political climate. I feel responsibility to speak where others can't or won't. It frequently leaves me viewed as the bitch who won't back down and not as a person disagreeing when she sees wrongdoing.

The funny part is that no one understands how much I hold back. I tell myself through out the day to walk away, don't go there and to let it go. Getting better at the self care aspect as I'm learning when I'm only giving myself hurt and anxiety and the discussion will never go anywhere.

The world needs fighters. My voice is needed. It's finding the healthy interaction balance where I make a difference but don't injure myself in the process.