Learning to grieve

When I was upset about a relationship that went bad my therapist asked me, "Do you know how to grieve this loss?". I said, "No. I'm not sure I've properly grieved any loss in my life.". My mother's typical statement to being sad at a loss was "That's tough!", said in the most biting of tones. I'm sure this was her own way of dealing with the traumatic losses of her childhood and life, but it sure didn't teach proper self care. So to fully grieve any loss never occurred to me. I stuffed it down, sucked it up and plowed forward. No sadness allowed. 

I became skilled at not feeling a thing. This also meant becoming angry and annoyed at people who acting completely human grieved their own losses. I'd be comforting but inside thinking "This isn't so bad. Shut up about it. You are a baby and have no idea how good you have it.". I'd also hear of them being comforted by their parents as they grieved. A nice dinner out after the boyfriend broke up with them, a shopping trip when they didn't make the cheerleading squad, hugging them and crying on their shoulder. I couldn't conceive of any of this. I learned early on my tears didn't make a difference.

So now being a grown up and forging a new path of healthy boundaries, self care and actions, I'm learning to grieve. I've been encouraged to cry for the little girl who was told to shut up. I've been attempting to acknowledge how painful my marriage was. I'm grieving the loss of things that will never happen at this point in my life. I'm giving myself permission to be sad about parts of me that will never change and learning to accept what is.

Grieving is a scary process for me as there is so much fear that once I allow the feelings to come that they'll never stop pouring out of me. Feelings have always felt like weakness to me so it triggers my survival instincts to lock them down as protection. Yet will all the anxiety, panic, dread and trepidation there is a small voice inside me saying, "You are safe now. It's time."

I am safe now. It's time.