Too much apologizing

One of my diagnosis is anxiety disorder in relation to PTSD. I've lived with this for over 40 years so I can no longer recall what it feels like to be without it. Considering how young my trauma history began, perhaps it's all I've ever known. The struggles of anxiety actually come out in what can appear to be productive and good qualities. I'm efficient, on time, organized and seem to have my shit together on all levels. Yet most days I struggle to breathe all while making jokes, smiling and looking like I don't have a care in the world.

Out of fear of rejection I apologize a lot. I apologize for what wasn't my fault. I say I'm sorry before considering if there is anything to be sorry about. I've sort of always known this but never looked hard at where it comes from and challenged it. Lately I've been questioning myself as to why I'm apologizing and even not saying sorry though it increases my anxiety and I have to deal with the feelings that arise.

I saw this from a new light recently where an incident happened (actually no incident at all and that's the core point) and I not only apologized for doing nothing wrong but felt fear, anxiety and shame afterwards. This will be a little vague, as there is too much backstory that I'd rather not share, but hopefully it still shows how my anxiety manifests in situations. I was out having a great time with a friend when someone I no longer want in my life showed up out of nowhere. Anxiety levels go to high but in an act of courage I stayed and was not going to have this person's presence effect my good time. My friend was understanding, comforting and fully knew I didn't have blame here. As a side note, my friend is also friends with this person, they spoke, all good. I came away filled with worry. Was my friend's night ruined because she could sense that I was freaking out? Did I talk too much about my concerns and leave her in an uncomfortable position? Nothing I could have done differently yet my mind scrambles to regain a sense of control. I apologized, she said there was nothing to apologize for, and days later it hasn't left my mind.

When an anxiety trigger happens it not only screws up the present moment but there is the added challenge of letting it go. We hang on tightly to every perceived error, hold it over our own heads and punish ourselves by critiquing our every move with a ridiculous hope that if we can scrutinize ourselves enough that it won't happen again. It really becomes a mental circle of destruction.

So if I've hurt you, said something awful or did you wrong I am sorry. If I haven't apologized for this please tell me so I can make it right. I'm sure there will be many necessary and valid apologies in my future as I'm a human who fucks things up all the time. I read that "Trauma can compel you to apologize for things that aren't your fault." I'm working towards not apologizing for what isn't mine.