Being an Inspiration

Saw a powerful picture where the words tore through me. Every single one of these things were said to me at one time. And each time I was told something so void of compassion, with expectations for me, it opened every would I tried to heal. These statements puts the onus on the victim to not only heal but come out better, stronger and that it was for some special reason such as helping others. On top of that are the timeframes of what is expected for you to be "over it". I was once told in church that if you weren't happy and forgiving after a year that you were sinning. 

So it was confirming and helpful to see this picture and be told that how I've handled things, which truly was the best I could, was just fine and I can continue on my healing journey which may take a lifetime. A friend speaking kindly of me once said, "She's the biggest survivor I know." It was a compliment but upon hearing it I burst into tears of rage. I thought, "I didn't want to be a survivor. I didn't want to be stronger. I wanted one fucking break! I would give up all the strength and wisdom to have had a simple and easy past." But I didn't get that and here I am decades later desperately trying to get over what no one should ever experience.

Now be it from my upbringing, or who I am as a person, I do feel huge obligation to "be an inspiration" to others. By inspiring I mean sharing my stories of what happened so others can see that they aren't alone and you can still thrive in life. I know I'm a courageous person, and I know I have a voice where others would fear to speak, so I feel I owe them that. Yet all this outspoken bravery comes at a cost. I've allowed people to know my shit. I've given an opening to hurt me as I've spoken about my insecurities. 

I'll need to be vague but there is a big disclosure I feel I should speak about and it hangs over my head. I feel obligation because I've rarely seen it spoken of. In fact most people won't even fully understand what I'm saying so it's going to require graphic details for full comprehension. Other than my doctor, and some therapists, I've only revealed this to a handful of people. And most still don't get the complexity, how devastating it was and how the shame penetrates me. For me to divulge this would mean no one looking at me the same again. It wasn't my fault, it was out of my control, but I feel humiliation at the thought of anyone else knowing. And once it's out there it's out for life. There is no taking it back.

I need to ponder this more and take into hard consideration what my next steps are. I need to consider what it will cost me.