Unapologetic

I was recently asked what guilty pleasures I have. I replied that I refuse to feel guilty for anything much less what makes me happy. This got me thinking about what we so often hear about "giving zero fucks" and not caring. The truth is I do care, really so much that I get angry at myself. I actually give a lot of fucks. I appease others, apologize when I wasn't even wrong and stay small in ways that ultimately hurt me.

So what would it mean to live a fully unapologetic life? 

Now when I say unapologetic this doesn't mean never having to apologize for doing wrong. I'm quick to admit when my actions cause harm and say I'm sorry. This is about not apologizing for who I am, what I believe, what I love, the choices I make and how I live my life. I'm doing this in baby steps, small acts of bravery and each time I say "no" without explanation. 

At the heart of this is self acceptance. I see where I apologize for something about me, even internally, it's over something I don't like about myself and it serves as a way for others to take me down. We're told to "love yourself" with no path to guide us there. I'm still dismantling decades of Christian dogma saying that I was born a sinner, broken and unacceptable by their God. I have a lifetime of criticism for being too loud, too obnoxious and way too much. I remember as a teenager cutting myself down as a way to get compliments. Sure there was some affirmation but what it ultimately did was seal in my heart that I didn't feel I'd ever be enough. 

So when the comments come, or the rejection, it still hurts me. But I'm finally in a place of bouncing back faster and stronger. Because do I want to be like everyone else? No! I spent decades trying to live within a construct that was suffocating me. Every day, little by little, I'm walking towards my personal freedom. Fully unapologetic.