My parents divorced when I was 15, and except for a few minor moments, I was on my own. Being forced to rely on myself, and not wanting my friends to know, I became resilient but also dysfunctional. I decided to face life alone and wouldn't ask anyone for help. If I did receive help from you, even now, be sure I paid you back. You might have thought I was just being kind picking up that tab but in my head I not didn't owe you.
Three years ago when I moved out of my 22 year marriage I was filled with shame and wanted to do it all on my own. I asked my brother for help with the big stuff and thought I could manage the rest. I had friends offering to help and I insisted I was fine. Thankfully they knew I wasn't fine and one said, "You're actually hurting me by now allowing me to help you" I did need the help and I'm so grateful it was put to me in those words otherwise I would have killed myself alone.
There is / was also a badge of pride in feeling that I didn't owe anyone a thing. I liked holding it over my parents heads when I fought with them that I did it all on my own. Now while my ex-husband would help me with car shit (his thing) asking for any other help I'd be told what an imposition it was on him. I kept it up all by myself. I would even say, with more than a little shame, that I like doing more for others so I feel good about myself and already have a credit with them.
Feeling that you are this alone is painful. This last year I had a lot of help that was later turned on me as if I was using the person. This has only made me tighten up more and want to keep everyone at arm's length and nothing due to them. I hate needing anyone.
Yet we need each other. I certainly am happy to help. My ego is standing in the way of not feeling I'm climbing this mountain alone. What would happen if we all just said what we need?
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