I Will Survive

There's a old overused saying that goes, "Everything happens for a reason.". If you've ever been within earshot of someone saying this around me then you would have also heard me go into a tirade about what a bullshit thing that is to say to someone. It's horrifying to hear that as a survivor of any sort of trauma. I prefer the meme I've seen that goes, "If I smack you across the face...it was for a reason!". I've heard many that have gone through severe trauma say, "I wouldn't change a thing as it's made me who I am today." While I'm happy that's where they've landed, I will say that I'll never be OK with specific things that happened to me even if I'm strong, proud and living an amazing life. 

On the flip side I have endured painful lessons that I wouldn't want to experience again and I'm good with what they've taught me. I work hard to find how I can grow from situations that hurt me, own my part and make it to the other side. At times I'd say I over-examine my every move in the hopes that if I can figure out any and all mistakes that I won't face suffering again.

I don't like living as if my life is a game and "one wrong" move could be catastrophic. My preference would be to live organically, listening to my intuition, setting boundaries and being my whole self. What happens though is trauma clouds your thoughts, you trust the other person and not yourself, you over-react and under-react and become impulsive.

I find myself at a crossroads today. I see where I strayed from my path and shrank for others. I can envision who I want to be, who I feel I really am, yet it feels like it's blurry and in the distance. I feel my answer is more in forgiveness to myself than my usual go to of beating myself up with shame.

I will survive. I will thrive. And on a good day I know I'm actually doing both of these quite well.