Shadow Work - Part II

I've been exploring shadow work, and while incredibly difficult it's changing me. It's looking at the dark side. It's facing the parts we try to hide that don't paint us in the best light. It's the path to the other side. With our world in upheaval, disagreement and offense everywhere, I have had to admit a truth about myself: I'm hugely judgmental. I like to think I portray myself as oh so cool, accepting and kind. And I mostly am...except when I see behavior, thought processes or actions that I deem are wrong. This means I'm judging, seething and angry all the time, while stuffing it down with a nod and a smile. My friend and I joke that we're justified in our judgment because we are "right". 

I definitely feel self righteous in the things I judge, and even if there is justifiable anger and rage, I acknowledge that I could go about things in kinder ways. I get snarky, I get rude and many times downright mean when I'm judging. While not being outright nefarious I do go for the weak spot and verbally annihilate people. 

Staying with this dark side I see two glaring issues: I enjoy doing this and these actions are what I hated my father for doing.

Yes, I get more than a little giddy when I give a racist the smack down. But I'm right, right? I enjoy speaking over people I feel are wrong so they don't know what to say. As I said in my previous shadow post...I like to blow shit up.

My father was loud, vocal and never held any disdain inside. For anything. I had an entire childhood of being embarrassed at his lack of tact and how his words would humiliate others. I hated his big mouth. I have a big mouth.

While standing up for what is just and right, this isn't who I ultimately want to be. I want a balance between speaking up for the oppressed, maybe even educating a few, but not doing it with a wicked back hand. It's a delicate line to balance.

I was thinking about this post while taking a walk and Don Henley's "Heart of the Matter" came on and the lyrics stopped me cold...

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?

We are living a surreal existence right now. We're experiencing things we've never had to go through. There's no playbook. We're cranky, tired and the future looks uncertain. So maybe, just maybe, I can face this shadow side head on and attempt love more than venom.