While I typically write these quickly and in a stream of consciousness, this one already feels a bit disjointed as I attempt to explain while also keeping out some details to protect the innocent and the guilty. I find myself in a bit of a conundrum about a few situations, though separate, that intersect in ways that don't give me comfort and peace. Thinking about how I hold myself accountable, where I might need to apologize, and where I'm taking responsibility that isn't mine.
Of the many ways we mature in life I feel self awareness should arguably be on top of them all. And beyond that self awareness of why we do what we do, there needs to be the next level of seeing what needs to change and actively working on making those changes. It's taken many years but I do feel my own introspection is good. I can graphically detail for you why I react the way I do, what I've changed and where I still need work. Though I'm the queen of the self help book I will say that the bulk of my understanding of myself came from the painful (though powerful) 12 steps started in AA. I was in Eating Disorders Anonymous for many years, they use the same steps, and worked diligently to "get to the other side". If you can let go of the higher power talk (unless that's your jam) I do believe these steps are a great assistance in self work.
It's important to me to keep my side of the street clean. When I've wronged someone I'll admit it and make it right as best I can. Yet in this desire to feel I've been accountable, I can also spiral when I hear I've been lied about or portrayed in any false way. The first time I recall getting livid about being slandered was when my parents were divorcing. I was 15 years old, my mother had left my father and the rumors were flying about what "the pastor's wife" had done. Because I chose to live with her I got grouped into the malicious things being said. The worst of which was that my mother and I were hookers (I'd never had sex) and I was a coke addict (hadn't done coke). When I heard this my only retort was "Well at least pick the drugs I'm on!" (I smoked pot). It was out there, and being expanded upon with each person on the gossip train, and I had nowhere to prove myself.
There is someone I'm considering apologizing to, though I didn't actually do anything to harm them. But I feel they should hear that from ignoring their advice, I paid a price. So not "I'm sorry" so much as a human acknowledgement of the truth of a situation. My hesitation comes because their response back to me has the strong possibility of being unkind. The 9th step says, "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." I frequently joked with my sponsor that I didn't want to be the one injured. She said that didn't count. I say it does.
While not following any religion I do believe strongly in karma. You cannot carry on a lifetime of lies and shitting on people to not have it come back around one day. My belief in karma stops me many times when my impulsive self wants to lash out. I've learned silence is a statement. Slowly learning through my yoga and meditation practices to be non-reactive. Learning being the key word here as I can get snarky, punchy and ready to rumble in a hot second.
Are we giving grace to each other for our failings? Are we perhaps allowing too much and not setting boundaries? Are we completely stagnant in our growth, angry and throwing around blame? (I sure did that for a long time.) Are we assuming others aren't diligently working on themselves because we expect their progress to be faster or we aren't seeing the actions they are taking? While trying to be a loving kind person I'm also guilty of all of this. We're all works in progress flying on this rock through space just trying to figure it all out.
Rumi said, "Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames." My life is on fire in the best of ways. I'm burning away that which does not serve me. I'm surrounding myself with people who support me, cheer me on and believe in me. I've never said this before but I'm saying it now...The best is yet to come.
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