I woke up around 5am with a fear I couldn't quite place. Unsure about what day it was, as seems to happen every day, and feeling like I was forgetting something important. I then remembered my one task for the day was to bring my son face masks. He works at a coffee shop, which apparently makes him part of Food and Agriculture and essential. Even though he's 21 I've wondered as a mother if I'm allowing him to risk his life...for coffee. Should I go into my savings and pay him to stay home? Should I have made him wear a mask sooner even when we were being told they won't work? Have I done enough?
Though I hate the cold, and it was a brisk 19 degrees, I drove with the windows down. I wanted to feel the air. I wanted to feel the cold I detest so much. I see how my response to this has been to numb myself: Facebook, food, substances, and even beneficial things like yoga (should I take more than 2 classes a day? That's still maybe 3 hours...there's too much time to think). I gave him the masks (one being a makeshift one I made out of a bandana...fearfully watching the how to video and feeling the weight of fear as what if I do it wrong...), told him more were coming and he went into his job. I glared at his job thinking what if he catches this and dies all because some covid invested mother fucker wants his morning latte.
I have so much anger and I'm directing it nowhere and everywhere. Livid at our idiotic president "China lied to us." No, your vain orange ass was on the golf course. Shut up! Anger at myself as I'm worried there were times I didn't sanitize enough, or did I touch something after I washed my hands, or did I not clean the groceries well enough....will my mistakes kill someone? Or me? Livid at a God I don't believe in and annoyed at the posts I'm seeing about their God's special protection for them...too bad he said, "Fuck Italy!", right? So angry.
Driving back home the sun was rising in a beautiful orange ball. Sunrise is my favorite and I had no memory of the last time I'd seen it. It gave me a single sigh of relief and familiarity before the fearful thoughts came back. I see it will be sunny, and though it will be excruciating on my hip, I plan on walking far. I want to walk until what I'm seeing is no longer familiar. I want to walk until I'm hurting. I want to walk so far away. Yet we're all in this, we're here, and there is nowhere to hide.
Another of today's tasks, which I've avoided for over 2 years, was to go through a box in my storage locker. This box is a mish mash of things I threw in it as I was moving out and leaving my husband. I labeled it "Shit I can't deal with right now". But today was finally the day...I feel like hell anyway so why not go all the way? It was all random items, thankfully with no sentimental value, thrown in a big mess. Though two of the items gave me pause. One was a big bottle of hand sanitizer! Has the universe finally smiled on me?! The other was a card that said, "Be here now". Ugh. I don't want to be here now yet that's really the only choice. We are all here now.
So I look out my window at the sunshine and remember how it makes me happy. I feel gratitude that I'm in a warm home, cat asleep on the floor in front of me and a belly full of chocolate chip cookies. I look at the art on my walls that so perfectly reflects my personality and see how far I've come since packing up that box of shit I couldn't deal with at the time. I think of those that offered to help me get masks for my son and remind myself there is still goodness in people. I remind myself that my choices in life are still mine and no government, person or thing can take that away from me.
I'm here now.
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