A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 3 - Purposeful cruelty

I've had a few situations recently where someone I cared about purposefully, and with full intent, said things to hurt me. Both of these people I loved, were close to and would never harm. Though each situation was different the common thread was their purposeful cruelty to cause pain. I'd been truthful with each of them, something incredibly difficult for someone who hates conflict, but choose my words carefully as I chose to be as kind as possible. Instead of listening to hear me they chose rage.

It's the ultimate betrayal when you are vulnerable with someone, brutally honest with your insecurities, trusting that can hold these things for you with care, only to have them venomously spit back in your face. What gets me most though is the intention. The calculation that's involved to think up the ways that would be most damaging to another's heart and soul, and then to act on that knowing full well what the outcome will be to them. With that level of thought it's hard not to believe that there isn't some glee and joy in knowing the pain they will cause.

So I of course need to ask myself where I have done this. I've done it to both of my parents numerous times. Did it to my ex husband. I expect there are many other instances I'm not remembering. And what was at the core of my need to say such vile things? Hurt. Deep intense burning hurt. As the saying goes, "Hurt people, hurt people.". So much hurt.

Where do I go now? I've been purposeful also and have chosen silence. No retaliation. No endless spewing of words to cut deeper. I'm walking away and letting karma sort it out. 

Do I forgive them? Whoa...slow down now. These fuckers do not deserve forgiveness!! Yeah, yeah, yeah I know forgiving is for me and not them, holding onto bitterness is like you drinking poison and expecting them to die, blah blah blah. I'm a shitty forgiver. My mother liked to say, "You remember every bad word ever said to you since birth!" I'd reply, "And most are from you!". Yes, I'm a bitter bitch. Even if you've hurt me and apologize, though I will smile and tell you it's all good....I remember.

So this is quite the conundrum; while I'm this zen master who can walk away and not go into full retaliation, I harbor all the bitterness and anger. If I can go all therapy language on this, I clearly feel I need these feelings as protection. You hurt me and I need to remember so I'm prepared for you to do it again. Or so I can prevent from you getting anywhere near me to cause me suffering. Frankly it's amazing I let down my walls at all.

There are some truths I can say about myself here: at my core I'm a kind person, an honest person and an accountable person. And I can say with both of these individuals that my side of the street is clean.