A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 10 - What do I want to do?

While writing my last post I though that I'd write this one on my insecurities. Apparently I wanted to feel bad. But then while taking a yoga class my thoughts shifted, and I instead felt a huge draw and inspiration to talk about what I want to do with what's left of my life.

Without exact details, as I don't want this to be my own little forum to call people out and accuse and shame, I can say I allowed myself to get small this past year. I let my boundaries get repeatedly walked on. I got into a hyper active state of conflict avoidance. And as part of making sure there weren't possible issues, I toned down who I was and what I wanted out of life. I pushed my aspirations aside because I felt they weren't supported...actually worse, weren't noticed at all. Key words...I allowed it. Now why I allowed it is another post for another day.

So what do I want to do? Here goes....

* I want to try stand up comedy again. I did it twice over 20 years ago. Never so scared in my life. But I like writing material, I like trying it out on people (I do it all the time and don't let you know), and I want to try again.
* I want to quit looking to others to validate my worth as a human (especially a woman).
* I want to write and publish a book. This feels cliche as it seems everyone and their brother feels their story is so special. OK, all our stories are special, so come write with me.
* I want to be a public speaker. What am I speaking on? To be determined. But I feel that's in me and I'd love it. (Likely because spouting my opinion on all things brings me great joy...LOL.)
* I want to say "No" without explanation.
* I want to learn to let cutting words roll off my back and not permeate me.
* I want to sing again.
* I want to go to Santorini, Greece (it's the wallpaper on my screen and I've longed to be there for years)
* I want to not give a fuck what anyone thinks.

I was listening to Glennon Doyle talk yesterday and my soul screamed in agreement, "No one knows what you should do because your life is an unprecedented and unrepeatable experiment. Nobody has ever tried to live with your pain, power, past, people and potential...Do the next right thing without asking for permission before and without explaining yourself after...The most revolutionary thing a woman can do is never explain herself."

I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be, This is Me…I’m not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, This is Me.