A blog post a day for 30 days - Day 2 - Triggers

I feel the word triggered is overused. I see it used as a joke and I feel it takes away the impact from those who truly have a visceral response to a moment. Now though I don't have a psychology degree, I've sure been in therapy long enough to speak like I do. Anyone can experience a trigger. Our minds can be drawn back to an experience through smell, sight, feel and countless other ways. 

Speaking only from my own experience but a full on trigger for someone with PTSD is much different than a bad memory coming back. Your body feels like the trauma is happening again. I call it a panic attack on crack. Even when you can logically tell yourself that this isn't the same, there is a pathway in your brain that goes back there and you physically feel it all again.

I've been hyper triggered recently. Before I share this story let me assure you that I'm safe and fine. All is well. A friend helped point out to me that my adrenals were firing on all cylinders and my mind was reliving the past, even though in the present I was safe. She would repeatedly remind me "You're safe now. What you experienced was in the past." Yet the body/mind connection is amazing in what it believes. I found I was behaving, and my body feeling, as if it was all happening again.

I've spoken in previous posts about being hyper vigilant about my safety.  Yet this comes out in unexpected ways.  You would think I carried a gun, mace, multiple locks on my doors, security system...I do none of that. I'm always aware of the exits, I know my escape routes, I look for places to hide. Watching and watchful. I don't talk about it.  You would never know what I'm doing. It's pretty much involuntary at this point. 

So how did these reactions even come about? (I'm going to type fast, no editing, we'll see what comes out) After my parents divorced my mother got involved with multiple violent men.  Married one of the monsters. When other girls were trying on prom dresses I was hiding knives around the house and thinking up the best way to kill him. I was told no matter what I heard downstairs that I had to stay in my room or he'll kill me. I was suicidal, drinking, smoking and doing anything I could not to feel. Our first time making a run for it we were forced to move in 1 hour. Entire house, no warning, 1 hour. Though my parents' divorce was horrible and bitter my father took pity on my mother and got a bunch of women from his Christian singles group to help pack. I was thankful for them but also wanted to slap a few bitches as I saw the looks they gave my mother and I. As we were leaving the current man walked up. In my head I was screaming to myself to get a knife and kill him. I stood there immobile until my father pulled me away. The bigger monster, the one she married, is where I truly honed my skills. The cycle was he'd go on a rampage, my mother would run to my friend's house and I would meet her there. She'd take what little money I saved, as he'd taken all of hers, take my car, again because he took hers and I'd say OK but you have to leave. Then she'd go back. I got used to hiding in hallways, peering out the side of a window to see where he was, checking my car's backseat, looking for all the escape routes. She would be crying as I told her to shut up so he couldn't hear us. She'd sob and tell me how smart I was as I'd find a way out, hide us or find some creative way to keep us safe. I was 18.

My heart is racing typing that. I suppose I triggered myself. This is a hard one to publish.  Possibly the most difficult. I guess my core point was to ask yourself if you're really triggered or just having a bad memory. But that's not fair. The pain and suffering on this earth wasn't given out fairly. What I would consider a bad day may have been the worst moment of your life. I guess we're all allowed our triggers.