Allowing Happiness

I've written before on my fears of allowing happiness as joy can quickly turn to terror that the Universe (or some deity) didn't want me happy and was going to take it away. I've behaved as if my holding back on delight somehow controls bad things from happening. Yet this is life and horrible things will happen that are out of anyone's control.

A bad thing did happen: rear ended, bad accident, car totaled and I'm injured (I'll be OK eventually). Accidents happen every day. It was coincidence, chance and simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Though most people have had one I'd somehow skated by without ever having experienced an accident. So this is foreign territory for me and that gets scary as I feel I lack control to handle things. Thankfully my insurance company has been great, got more for my car than expected and I've found good people to help me care for my injuries. 

My ex-husband always dealt with all things concerning cars from buying to maintenance, so again this is more new territory for me. For a few of my cars I told him what I wanted and refused to even test drive it, as this is how much I hate car salespeople. I'm quite literally the world's worst negotiator so I was dreading that portion of buying a car.

I do allow myself the occasional splurge on shoes or purses but I tend to hang onto my money more than treating myself. I live a life of hyper vigilance of having a backup plan and always being sure I will survive. I've been called ridiculously responsible and they're not wrong. I'd been looking at cars for awhile as mine was looking a bit rough. Nothing was popping for me (except a hot pink Ferrari calling my name) but now I was in a position to have to make a choice. The fears came back...what if I make the wrong choice? What if I screw this up? What if.....(insert random unknown event)? 

One of my favorite quotes, "What do you do if you're afraid to do something? You do it afraid." So all alone, taking deep breaths, I walked into the dealer afraid and faced the fear. I'd originally planned on buying something used as this was me thinking this is how to survive. But I went against my usual not allowing myself to dream or hope or want, and test drove a new car. The color is gorgeous, it felt wonderful, with a zillion features I'll likely admire and never use. I bought it. 

I'll be picking up my new car today. Telling myself it's OK to be excited. It's OK to feel this happiness. And what if I did make a mistake in some way? So what. My life will go on, I'll survive and even thrive. 

It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining and my life is good.