Burning my wedding dress

Today would have been my 25 year wedding anniversary. A mixed emotions kind of day. I'm not sorry I got divorced as we both agree it was the right thing to do. Yet there are also hard realities to face. In all likelihood I'll never marry again and will certainly never have a 25 year wedding anniversary.  As Dr. Drew likes to say, "You don't get that.". There are many things I'll never have that hurt deeply but this one has an extra sting to it. 

We praise those in long marriages as somehow being tougher than the rest of us and not giving up. Well I didn't give up. I gave everything until I had nothing left to give. I wasn't a perfect wife (no one is) but fuck I tried. It wasn't enough. 

When I was reminded that my wedding dress was still in the trunk of my car I knew I needed a good way to get rid of it as it didn't hold good memories. So my wedding anniversary seemed to be ideal. I asked in a neighborhood group where would be a good place to burn something. The comments about "whose body are you burning" and "hiding the evidence" brought welcome smiles. Someone suggested a park reserve area by a lake that I'd taken walks by and that felt right. There is a small island you can get to by a bridge where there is a fire pit (shaped as a canoe), walking trails and benches. 

There were people walking around but it was peaceful and calm. I was listening to a 'work up a good cry' playlist and "Don't fall in love with a dreamer" was on and the tears started welling up. I put my wedding dress, veil, marriage license and a wedding picture into the fire pit. Initially it would burn then die down but eventually the flames and smoke got thicker as everything was destroyed. I put on "Our song" and walked around the fire pit watching the flames. I decided to sit down on a bench as the fire overtook everything. As I sat there a couple came up and looked curiously into the fire trying to figure out what was there.  The lady said, "Oh! Is that a veil?" then they both started laughing. I wiped my tears under my sunglasses. Some little girls scampered by to look and smiled at me. I faked a smile and wished them gone. By the end part of the veil was still there. I considered lighting it again but left it as I was done and people can look and think anything they want.

Though cathartic it was also a bit anticlimactic. Being a previous Evangelical I love a good ritual or ceremony. It reminded me of going to church camp and being asked to pick up a stick, think of your worst sin (bonus points if it makes you cry) and then when you're ready to give it up to God you throw your stick in the fire. I thought maybe I'd feel some regret seeing it burn but I didn't. The tears shed were for what will never be. I cried for what will never exist.

As I left I came upon a family with 6 kids having their pictures taken as they stood side by side holding hands all grinning ear to ear. Had a tinge of jealousy but it went away as I thought about the good in my life. I'm alone but I do have people that love me. Being alone I can do anything I want. All decisions and choices are mine alone. I try new things all the time and am not afraid of failure. I speak up for what is right even if it means standing alone. I know who I am.

I'm creating the exact life I want.