Not defending yourself

I have a endless stories of false accusations in my lifetime. Being a pastor's daughter it goes with the territory that people will talk shit about you. You're sort of a celebrity in this compact little community so others don't always want the best for you. The first time it happened to me I was around 11 and a woman had complained to my father that I wasn't in church. Well I wasn't there because I was sick. He came home, marches up to my room demanding a reason as to why I wasn't in church. After I pointed out I was obviously sick he seemed perplexed and said, "But she was angry!"  So began my defensive of myself in all situations.

I know people talk shit about me. I know people enjoy gossip. I know I'm most definitely guilty of both. Now in my youth I would be losing my mind to prove that I'm innocent of whatever was said. But at my current age, though I get upset for a hot second, I don't really care. I'm mostly at a place of saying "make up whatever you want....add something...I don't care". I say mostly because I care somewhat to be writing about it.

Being a firstborn I love justice and truth. I especially have a huge disdain for others thinking something wrong about me. In a perfect world I could defend myself to everyone. Yet to be living a full life, out there, unfiltered, free....you'll need to let people lie, stay unaffected and rise.

I love proving myself. I love winning an argument. I love being right. Yet to live a peaceful life, unattached, unafraid....you need to not defend yourself at times. 

It eats at me when I think another could believe a lie. All the more if it's an especially heinous lie. A lie that could ruin my reputation. A lie that would make people want to not be my friend. A lie that hurts.

Though what can be said about me that is any worse than what was said previously? Isn't silence a bigger statement? Will this moment matter at the end of my life?