It doesn't take knowing me too long, or a psychiatry degree, to see this is a trauma response. From my perception, when I let my guard down one time too many, shit hit the fan hard and I was broken. I have a deeply embedded neural pathway in my brain that tells me to keep my guard up and happiness isn't allowed. Yes, we can over time change our brains, and I do work on it daily, but it's slow, painful and daunting. To work on this daily is as Brene Brown would say "in the arena getting your ass kicked...".
I should clarify what I mean by happiness. I allow myself to be happy in what I consider safe moments: dancing at a band, laughing at a joke, seeing a pink sunrise. Yet when I speak on allowing happiness I'm referring to a content and safe happy feeling. Nothing in particular is happening, you look out into space and can safely say of your life and existence, "yes, I'm happy". My stomach clenched typing that.
Back in my evangelical Christian days it was said, "God doesn't care about your happiness, he cares about your holiness." First thought: I'm fucked. You were supposed to find happiness in Jesus and all he did for you, since you are a sinful piece of shit. I was never happy. The bible quotes Jesus as saying "my burden is light" and I would internally scowl and think "No, it's not light, it's heavy as fuck!" As I've deconstructed my faith and indoctrination, allowing happiness becomes what I want but still elusive.
I was speaking to my son recently about what's happening in my life and he asked, "Are you happy?" I smiled both internally and externally and said, "Yes. Very happy." It was the most calm I'd had in a long time. Later, and a wee bit drunk, fear started to overtake me, and I wiped tears as he played an emotional piece for me on the piano.
Yet it happened again after a powerful energetic experience (I may write on this later....still processing at the moment) where I realized I was happy and content. It didn't scare me so much this time as something had shifted in me. Now my anxiety, fears, depression, PTSD, pain and general freakiness aren't gone, but it now feels to the side of me, instead of being the dark umbrella over my life.
I'm still scared but in this moment alone, cool breeze blowing in, Himalayan salt lamp glowing, full of peaches and a teensy bit high...I'll allowing a little grin of happiness.
So loving your posts, it puts into words what I feel everyday. Although not every moment of everyday anymore. It used to be. I would be walking some where, and people would be looking at me, I realized I had the "gift of fear" (good book), it was never, "oh, they are looking at me because I am cute"..it was always looking for the danger.
ReplyDeleteAnd mixed in with this, "I must have a bugger....(try wiping my nose like it itches). Oh great, now it looks like I do a lot of coke".
It was stressful....knowing that I am this way, although way better than I have been, it sucks.
Sending love
Therese