Thursday, September 6, 2018

I can't stop the crying

I can't stop the crying lately.  This may sound like some hormonal issue but it should be mentioned that I am not a crier kind of person.  My life experience made me believe that no one cared about your tears so don't bother shedding them.  When too much would happen and the tears would fall I was told I was too much, too sensitive and it's too bad so suck it up.  I have a lifetime of doing everything possible to not cry.  Tears symbolized weakness to me, and I couldn't be weak as I was on my own.  I learned to push it down, hard, and not let anyone know what was going on.

The first year after my divorce I was numb.  I smiled and did all the things but was largely performing in a zombie state. Yet I'm healthy now or lets say on the road to it. With this new found state of mental health and peace the tears won't stop falling.  Sometimes I'm not even sure why I'm crying.  I'm not crying over spilled milk but it's close.  So close. 

I'm sure there are many tears I never cried that are coming out now, but I think what's really happening is I'm awake and aware.  Woke AF, kids!  :-)  I've found a yoga studio which has been my refuge and I've finally made my practice about tuning into my body's sensations and not how it looks.  With awareness comes feeling and I'm feeling all over the place.  Though interesting is that I cry harder when someone is kind to me than when I'm sad, frustrated or hurt. 

I still see tears as weakness.  I hate when someone sees me cry.  I hope this stage ends soon...


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