I don't cry

I don't cry. Or I should say I hate to cry. And the worst of all for me is having anyone see me cry. If you saw me cry you saw me at my most broken as I could no longer hold it down the way I skillfully do. My never cry policy isn't working for me these days. In the past months I've sobbed regularly, and people saw me cry. So many people. The shame of it is overwhelming at times.

I've also wiped tears right in front of you and you never knew.

Now do I have an issue with you crying? Not at all. I care. I want to help. But for me to cry, in front of you, is truly the lowest I can feel. I was asking myself if I saw it as weak, as I did for some time, but it's not that anymore. I see it as a moment for you to see my weakness and that makes me fearful that it will be used against me. It's not logical. I do know and believe that if one of my friends saw me cry they wouldn't think less of me. Yet I think less of me.

I've had some spectacularly embarrassing cries recently. Not a broken a bone or somebody died cry, as those are allowed. One of those cries of extreme vulnerability and insecurity with a big ass spotlight showing every scar. The kind of cry you witness where you feel pity for the person but thank all the Gods you aren't them either. 

Shame is a theme here. It's that feeling that you are the only one, no one else is feeling this, and you should feel awful that you do and can't stop. But "we heal loudly so others don't die in silence". This is why I share my most painful secrets. I believe that saying it out loud is the key to getting to the other side. I know I'm not the only one. Maybe one day we can cry together, and the shame will go away.