Don't Blink

Life has been dark lately. Without wanting to say the words that will trigger and upset, I've been spiraling downward without sight of any light. There is so much shame associated with not being OK mentally. We're given cute little sayings of what we're supposed to do; "you just gotta....". I've said for ages that I could make a zillion dollars if someone would just show me how to "just gotta...". When someone is drowning like this it's not that they don't see the truth, it's that they don't have the ability to pull out of going down the hole. 

When someone hasn't experienced this they get annoyed quickly when you don't just snap out of it. They feel you aren't trying. That you enjoy being a victim. The way I like to explain it is if I'm about to poke my finger in your eye and keep saying "don't blink". You blink. I say again while nearly poking you "I said not to blink. Why are you blinking? All you have to do is not blink!" It's instinctive. We are likely trying more than you could ever conceive.

I know I'm incredibly privileged. I have many things to be thankful for. Yet as the Moving Pictures song said, "I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot, but sometimes I wish for more than I've got". I suppose we all do. Yet when you are tumbling into darkness all the good doesn't matter. What isn't working for you, what you aspire to and don't get, what you long for that never happens, these things are all illuminated to the point of blinding you to all else. 

I haven't been able to see lately.

I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember. 30+ years of therapy, life coaches, self-help books, affirmations, positive sayings, manifesting, drugs both medical and illegal, good vibes, magic....but it's not enough. The shame for these feelings is overwhelming as I have so many people in my life who deeply care about me, support me, and believe in me. So why isn't this enough for me?

Speaking as a therapist, which I'm not but I've had enough therapy, and did enough work that they should give me an honorary degree, I feel strongly that I've created decades of deep neural pathways that say life will never work out and when you hope it is always taken away from you. And I had the receipts to prove this was correct. The logic then is to create a new neural pathway that is the opposite of these things. Believe life will work out for you. Allow yourself hope.

Yet what do you do when you finally, with so much fear, take that risk and believe, only to have it obliterated before your eyes? How do you then believe there is any hope in trying again? Or at all?

This is not to say nothing is going right in my life. My creative ventures are soaring, I'm mostly healthy, I have community, I'm privileged beyond measure in so many ways. This adds to the desire to hide and not say what's going on because "You are so blessed and need to STFU." You're right and my feelings haven't changed.

I'm processing a lot right now. Most of this processing is from a relationship that broke my heart and forced me to go no contact with this person. I read an article last night saying this: No one talks about how "No Contact" can retraumatize people with anxious attachment. Everyone says, "Just cut them off. Go No Contact. Heal." But no one talks about what happens after. The panic. The urge to reach out - just to feel seen. The late-night texts you swore you wouldn't send. The shame when you check their socials - again. The voice in your head whispering "You weren't enough. That's why they left." Because when you've spent your life begging to feel chosen, silence doesn't feel like peace. It feels like rejection. It feels like abandonment - all over again."

Though I was the one that left, every word of this rings true. I know I'm holding on because to let this go means to take away all I ever had. The pain is overtaking me.

By all appearances it seems I'm wallowing in self-pity, and I'm wallowing for sure, but I'm still trying. The reset plan is in place. I've already failed twice, but I know I'm all I have and this is the only way to find some happiness and suck up this shit life. I'm resilient and have come back from so much worse. I wake up every morning crying but there is a small spark left trying to grow into a flame. 

I've bought an app that is backed by science to rewire the brain. 3 months. Stay tuned to see what happens... (picture of my initial assessment)